https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the_poop_knife/
created by UnholyDemigod on 16/12/2020 at 13:02 UTC
65741 upvotes, 101 top-level comments (showing 25)
Original post found here, but removed[1]. Post text was as follows:
My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.
[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
Comment by Helzkadi at 16/12/2020 at 13:13 UTC
5836 upvotes, 10 direct replies
A true classic.
Comment by lazydictionary at 16/12/2020 at 15:29 UTC
1686 upvotes, 5 direct replies
Other highlights from that thread:
My friends sister laid a huge turd in the toilet. She couldn’t get it to flush. So she just casually strolls into kitchen while me and my buddy are watching Friday night videos, and grabs a pocket knife from the junk drawer. Goes back towards the bathroom, my buddy is hey what the eff you need a knife for? So she says the toilet won’t flush. Their dad hears this jumps up and runs down to bathroom and screams who the shit this turd. Which brings mom into the bathroom she freaks out.
Now all 5 of us are in the throne room in admiration of her magnificent turd. The dad asks what is the knife for and his sister goes it’s what I use to cut them. Yeah that’s what she said. It was silent until her mom asked how long have you been cutting turds with that knife, I am dying my friend is in tears, well since we are all here I guess the secret is out so I get massive turds on my period mom. So for about six years mom. She goes to leave and her dad grabs her and says cut the cheese sweet pea and that’s your knife now. That’s it I can’t breathe I am laughing so hard. She is in tears her mom is mortified and her dad was trying to be supportive, my buddy and I are being total jackasses.
Her dad pulls us aside and threatened to kick the shit out us if a word of sir turdly of bummertown gets out of the house. We never said a word about it outside of their house but we were brutal to here at home.
One day in my college lecture class the guy next to me leans over and whispers "You ever heard of the poop cutter?" Caught off guard I say no. He replied "I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to push out a turd, but only half way. Then I'm going to cut the turd off with the power of my sphincter. After that I'll shimmy it down my pant leg til it drops on the floor. When class is over that steamy gem is all yours. Enjoy."
He never said another word to me all semester.
Comment by SeaShanties at 16/12/2020 at 16:17 UTC
678 upvotes, 15 direct replies
someone actually branded it into a real product
Comment by dontsendmeyourcat at 16/12/2020 at 14:47 UTC
328 upvotes, 2 direct replies
One of those stories that’s completely innocent but also incredibly hilarious, a true reddit GOAT
Comment by Vyinn at 16/12/2020 at 18:30 UTC
286 upvotes, 5 direct replies
Why would you have a knife specifically for poop without discussing with your partner which knife is the poop knife? Even IF she knows about poop knives, she could be using ANY knife, how is that not asking for trouble?? 😂
Comment by PorpForpz at 16/12/2020 at 13:43 UTC
175 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Two posts in one week? Nice.
Comment by 1000Mousefarts at 16/12/2020 at 15:49 UTC
168 upvotes, 2 direct replies
One time my parents had to cut one of my sister's turds up. She was 6 yo at the time and they had to hold her hands and coach her like she was giving birth. Out came this gigantic turd that wouldn't flush.
Comment by MynameisMatlock at 16/12/2020 at 15:49 UTC
123 upvotes, 2 direct replies
My local radio station's morning talk show picked this story up and talked about it. It was divided 50/50 with the audience, half of them knew exactly what this was, and half couldn't even fathom the idea. Was a cool discussion.
Comment by jmelross at 06/02/2021 at 17:09 UTC
119 upvotes, 2 direct replies
When I was a baby at crawling stage, I laid a turd on the carpet. My mother used a knife from the kitchen drawer to scrape it off the carpet, then washed the knife and put it back in the drawer clean. But my father knew which knife it was, and for as long as I remember (at least the next forty years), he would check the knives laid out for a meal and if he got the turd knife, he would swap it for another knife. None of the rest of us could give a shit which knife we got.
Comment by Prophet_B-Lymphocyte at 16/12/2020 at 13:29 UTC*
222 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Ahh... Classic! I really enjoyed the awkwardness and subtle shock in this story.
Comment by KissBumChewGum at 16/12/2020 at 14:54 UTC
134 upvotes, 3 direct replies
I sent this to my boyfriend so I can shout, “do you need a poop knife in there?!” When I walk past the bathroom.
Worth it.
Comment by [deleted] at 10/02/2021 at 23:26 UTC
47 upvotes, 3 direct replies
The punchline is a bit obvious but I have a story anyway...
I used to work in a lovely pub and we had a cleaner, who was very much a regular. A guy in his mid-60s who looks like he's in his mid-70s, you'd see him lunchtime and in the evening for a couple pints of bitter and a chat about the weather. He's very sweet and loves chatting to anyone and everyone, in a non-intrusive way. Bit of a lady chaser in an acceptable harmless-old-man kind of way. He's essentially got catchphrases and a very unique way of speaking that makes the story better for those that know him, but anyway, he comes in one day and has a story for us:
"I was at home the other day and needed a shit, go to the toilet and I look down after and it's massive! I tried flushing but it wouldn't go, so I want to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and I cut the head off of it. I cut the tail off it. Flushed again and off it went.
Anyway, couple hours later I got a bit peckish and made my self a cheese sandwich (one catchphrase), opened a beer, sat down in front of the TV and took a bite.
'Euurgh! What the fuck is that?!'
Spat it back out, the sandwich tasted like shit! I accidentally put the knife I used to cut up the shit back in the drawer!"
Talk about a shit sandwich.
Comment by royrogersmcfreely3 at 16/12/2020 at 13:43 UTC
82 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Who are these monsters? They must be eating two loaves of bread a day, ridiculous
Comment by Tri206 at 16/12/2020 at 15:57 UTC
32 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I use a chopstick to cleave through my massive man mounds.
Comment by HipityHopityHotSauce at 16/12/2020 at 20:27 UTC
29 upvotes, 0 direct replies
this story is Reddit folklore
Comment by King_Dee1 at 16/10/2021 at 21:42 UTC
32 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Oh my god, Reddit unarchived this. Hello poop knife.
Comment by Gnomologist at 16/12/2020 at 22:08 UTC
24 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Guano Glaive
Comment by volturnlobsterprince at 16/12/2020 at 13:09 UTC
77 upvotes, 10 direct replies
Who the hell cuts their shit with a knife? I dont understand
Comment by googlebearbanana at 16/12/2020 at 23:44 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
This is my all time favorite story. I always laugh when I come across it.
Comment by Earldthepewdiepiefan at 16/10/2021 at 16:26 UTC
12 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Commenting this after reddit unarchived every post 6 months and above
Comment by Flyberius at 16/12/2020 at 14:28 UTC
59 upvotes, 3 direct replies
A day or two between shits? Christ, no wonder they are huge. I can easily go twice a day. Defo a diet thing. Needs more ruffage.
Comment by tom_yum at 16/12/2020 at 18:01 UTC
9 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I used to just find a stick outside to break up the turd, then toss it in the neighbors yard after.
Comment by Arm-Few at 14/11/2021 at 03:13 UTC
10 upvotes, 2 direct replies
This might explain why I just fished a fixed blade knife from the P trap in my toilet. I just bought my home recently and one toilet constantly clogged. I'm a DIY kind of guy, so I refused to call a plumber. Pulled my toilet off the floor, disassembled the whole thing, then turn it upside down and look in the water outlet. I saw what I wrongly assumed to be lipstick. Went out and bought mechanical fingers, magnetic worm thing, two augers of different sizes, and some 55lb stainless steel wire. Got the wire to hook the item in the toilet and popped it out. Poop knife. Has to be. Lol
Comment by [deleted] at 11/11/2021 at 20:58 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I haven’t laughed that hard in my entire life. The part about his dad being cheap at the end 💀💀💀
Comment by Iferius at 16/12/2020 at 14:34 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It's a true classic.