Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!

https://www.reddit.com/r/MensLib/comments/1i39vx9/weekly_free_talk_friday_thread/

created by MLModBot on 17/01/2025 at 06:00 UTC

22 upvotes, 14 top-level comments (showing 14)

Welcome to our weekly Free Talk Friday thread! Feel free to discuss anything on your mind, issues you may be dealing with, how your week has been, cool new music or tv shows, school, work, sports, anything!

We will still have a few rules:

• All of the sidebar rules still apply.
• No gender politics. The exception is for people discussing their own personal issues that may be gendered in nature. We won't be too strict with this rule but just keep in mind the primary goal is to keep this thread no-pressure, supportive, fun, and a way for people to get to know each other better.
• Any other topic is allowed.

We have an active slack channel! It's like IRC but better. Please modmail us if you would like an invitation. As a reminder, take a look at our resources wiki[1] if you need additional support as well.

1: https://www.reddit.com/r/MensLib/wiki/sidebar/resources_for_men

Comments

Comment by AutoModerator at 17/01/2025 at 06:00 UTC

1 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Happy Friday Everybody!

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Comment by BurgerBandit32 at 17/01/2025 at 18:22 UTC

10 upvotes, 1 direct replies

Long rant. **TL;DR:** I'm frustrated that many of my closest friends aren't willing to put in effort to visit friends or maintain an active friendship anymore as we start turning 40 this year. I'm the only one in my friend group with kids (2) yet I'm the only one making the effort anymore to meet up and hangout, even though I make it easy and free for them to do so. They complain about no longer receiving invites and see the negative impact on their lives, but they don't want to make an effort to hangout with me or any of their other friends. I'm moving on from focusing on them, but its frustrating.

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My wife and I enjoy hosting and I have tried everything to make it enjoyable and easy for my friends over the years but I'm starting to give up on this group.

• When we lived in a tiny apartment, we hosted dinners, bar hopping, sport events, birthdays, holidays etc. The location was a bit more difficult to get to but not impossible - 30min drive or 30min by subway/train. This group rarely came out, but I understand it is a bit hard to get to. They still came out occasionally for big events like a big playoff game, occasional holidays, a birthday etc. Other friends & coworkers came out more frequently. Overall, this time was great but I started to notice a hesitation from my close group.
• 3 years ago we had our first kid and moved closer to friends and family, about a 5-10min drive from my close friends. We cooked, provided drinks, activities - they just had to show up. None of my close friends have kids or time commitments but I just enjoy hosting and seeing my friends. Yet, we started to get a lot of declines
• In the past 2 years I noticed more declines - some friends started to only come out 1-2 times a year, so I offered a variety of options to see if that would work: dinners at our place (free for friends), dinners out (in case they don't want to spend time with wife or kid), drinks out (in case they prefer), hiking/cycling (free outdoors), even asked if my friends wanted to do anything for *their own birthdays* etc - all things we enjoy but was turned down
• We just had an infant and we've offered to host one of the NFL games this weekend. I've narrowed the invite list because I get the message that the broader group doesn't want to hang out, but even that smaller group is hesitant to commit. Ugh!

I'm focusing my efforts elsewhere - my family, parents at my daughter's school, and other friend groups but its just a bummer. Its frustrating because my closest friends always say how much they enjoyed the event and they bring up that they want to do it more often. After I started narrowing my invite list, one of my close friends that probably declined 12+ invitations this year (from the group, not just me) complained that he wasn't invited to a recent hangout! Another friend was unemployed for a while and I recommended working through his network since my industry and connections are not related to his field/qualifications. He mentioned he didn't really have anyone to contact - I wonder why?? And I know the reason isn't because of me or my family - these friends don't hangout with anyone anymore. And they complain and sulk about it but won't do anything even if all they have to do is show up.

I keep hearing podcasts, and reading articles about male loneliness. It motivates me to put in more effort, but its sad to see my friends actively ignore that effort and choose loneliness. And it is not because of a lack of 3rd places, or lack of $ to go out, or because their friends are flaky - it is because they just want to stay home.

/rant

Comment by Oregon_Jones111 at 17/01/2025 at 07:44 UTC

8 upvotes, 4 direct replies

Having trouble answering the question of if humanity is really good, and even more trouble answering the question of why that really matters to me.

Comment by BurntToost at 17/01/2025 at 06:19 UTC

9 upvotes, 1 direct replies

This is my 3rd month on SSRIs and I feel good. I feel like I can finally take control of my life. It sucks that it took so long for me to admit that I had a problem and even longer to seek help for it. I can handle my problems better and express my ideas better.

I was scared cause I wanted to handle it on my own and because of that I missed and lost so many opportunities and chances and sometimes, I want to chew my own leg off cause of it. If I'm being honest, a lot of people do not fuck with me because of the way I was before but I try to keep a brave face and move forward in spite of it. It kind of sucks that I really have screwed myself in like 20 different ways socially and some people who I really admire dont want anything to do with me. But I accept what I've done and what I will do and how there is no point feeling guilty because it wont make things better. I think I'll get a cool tattoo to commemorate that but I'm not really sure were I should get it. I want to say maybe on my bicep or the side of my ribs. I dont want it to be anywhere too visible but I'd just like the ability to look at it as a reminder.

Part of me is scared to get a tattoo because I have some weird hang ups around purity and I dont want to "taint" my body. It isn't spiritual or anything but I dont know. Thats kind of why I am kind of scared to get piercings either. But something tells me that if I did do it, after a while I wouldnt really care and it would become like nothing to me. I don't know.

Thank you for listening to my TED TALK.

Comment by Fed_Express at 20/01/2025 at 00:24 UTC

5 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Somewhat random question/observation, but why are male hostages being released last as part of the Israel-Hamas ceasefire?

It's not just soldiers, it's male civilians as well.

Comment by Tetizeraz at 17/01/2025 at 13:02 UTC

6 upvotes, 1 direct replies

This is part venting, part question.

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I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy for some time, and I started to think about this seriously after being serious with a girl. I went to my doctor, and he gave me the paperwork to get it done. In Brazil, there's an obligatory ~2 months waiting period to have a vasectomy done after everything is signed. You're also supposed to talk with a therapist.

I was confident on my childfree beliefs until I talked about it with a friend and my therapist, and now I'm doubting my decision. I also wasn't aware that it was mostly a permanent sterilization. You *can* undo a vasectomy, but it's costly, and even if you're a millionaire, it might be irreversible. My concern is that I 100% don't want kids today, but I might in the next couple of years, if my financial situation improves.

I feel I'm not educated enough to consider getting it done today.

Has anyone here experienced hesitation about getting a vasectomy too?

Comment by YonuNautilus at 17/01/2025 at 20:42 UTC

3 upvotes, 2 direct replies

Now that the holidays are done and far gone, I’m feeling much better. The second half of last year I was going through the process of buying a house, getting settled in and all the fun that comes with that. I’m sure that was a big part of feeling burnt out, but this year at holidays with family, I didn't feel great and it showed. I've suspected it's seasonal depression as there's a wide family history of it. It gets a little worse every year.

It's been a year since my last relationship ended, and I’m ready to get back to dating. However, I feel like I've regressed on the progress that I've made with help from therapy, like I’m not even committed to progress anymore, as if achieving the goal of having a place to call my own has shut down the drive to achieve my other goals.

And a part of me wants to go back to my last person. Things didn't end poorly, we're still friends. I feel now that I had stupid reasons for ending things, but I’m sure if we started up I would remember my reasons and realize it wasn't so stupid.

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Am I a man? I feel like one. But I don't always want to be. When I was young and upset that I didn't fit in with other boys very well, my mother said I was 'in touch with my feminine side,' can't say I disagree. But I think that feminine side wants to emerge a bit more, and I don't know what that means or what that looks like.

My therapist has spent years driving home the idea of 'gray areas' to get me to shed my black-and-white thinking. One's gender doesn't have to be binary like that, but am I even ready to apply that to my own gender?

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I hope everyone finds something fun to do, something comfortable to wear, or something to feel excited about for the coming week.

Comment by StrangeBid7233 at 19/01/2025 at 09:07 UTC

3 upvotes, 0 direct replies

It's kinda interesting that I made WAAY more friends in city I moved to last year then I ever had in my hometown in which I lived in 99% of my life.

Honestly I'm quite happy I moved, it wasn't out of need or anything, I was suppose to move here to live with my then girlfriend, then we broke up and I said fuck it, I need a change and I did it, and it honestly helped a ton for me to grow and I fit here better than I did in my hometown. I enjoy big city vibes and being completely on my own is honestly exactly what I want.

On another note seeing as I have to go on 2 week vacation this year as it's a law, I've been thinking what I should do during that, if I can afford it I was thinking a short trip to Vienna or Amsterdam. Not sure how I'd feel traveling solo, if it would be lonely, but at the same time gotta try to find out, and traveling a little bit could be refreshing.

On third note I should start working out, I live suuper unhealthy, but man I just don't like going to gym, I was thinking of maybe picking up boxing as my dad was skinny twink like me in his youth but was really good boxer, and it's a sport I really like as it's very tehnical.

Comment by Thermawrench at 20/01/2025 at 15:54 UTC

3 upvotes, 0 direct replies

My condolences to the americans and the world.

Comment by Oregon_Jones111 at 19/01/2025 at 10:03 UTC

4 upvotes, 0 direct replies

I really don’t know how Trump could conceivably be more obviously evil.

Comment by SoSS_ at 22/01/2025 at 16:45 UTC

2 upvotes, 0 direct replies

This week I realized that I was so used to saying and thinking "cishet men are trash" (I'm trans) and agreeing with my non-cishet friends when they said it, and justifying anyone who said it that I internalized it. I was feeling hopeless because due to bad experiences I believed that all cishet men that I encountered would see me as a woman and therefore, a prey. Which made me hold onto a friend who was exactly like that, because I believed that if I wanted to ever keep any non-queer male friendship I'd have to get used to that.

And this made me frustrated, and that frustration grew to the point I was started to feel disgusted about men in general. But luckily I realized this and thought "oh, but I'm a guy myself. I don't wanna have beef with myself like that" so I allowed myself to vent about the times I've been hurt by other men and validate those feelings and still recognize that there is, in fact, hope and that being a man isn't a bad thing. And that should be obvious but apparently it wasn't that obvious for me anymore, and now I feel better with myself and I cut off the friend that I mentioned.

Comment by Oregon_Jones111 at 20/01/2025 at 11:09 UTC

3 upvotes, 1 direct replies

I wish I could make myself smaller so I was less threatening. I hate being 6’5”.

Comment by Important-Stable-842 at 20/01/2025 at 22:29 UTC*

2 upvotes, 2 direct replies

I've utterly lost it. I shouldn't let myself on gender subs anymore, I absolutely cannot believe what people are claiming to be universal male experience and the fact that my life will be measured against it by a lot of people makes me want to scream. I'm done trying to take it seriously and pretend like my life experience is in any way consistent with it. It gets to the point that whenever someone refers to my friends as "your mates", I internally recoil at what kind of shit they're subtly trying to push on me. I know no-one who designates their friends as "the boys". No-one. Why is that experience wrong and why do I just have to accept people thinking that it isn't true? I don't believe it's feminine to express emotions, was never taught it's gay to do xyz. I was a right libertarian watching S*gn of Ak*d until a few years ago and was surrounded by homophobes and racists for years, why do I not believe these things? What went wrong? The only adequate explanation is that life experience is defined on such a microscopic scale, these things sometimes just happen, but people's framework for understanding life doesn't allow that. Men x, women y, and that's it. Completely irreconcilable of course, pretty much a different species men and women are.

Why is it the only gender places I find relatable are MRA subs (not ideology, their stated life experience) and here, what's so different about the people here?? Why does Person A with life experience that contradicts that of Person B want to stamp on Person B to claim that their life experience was wrong or claim it is that of the minority <-> wrong? What do they gain?

Comment by [deleted] at 18/01/2025 at 16:48 UTC

1 upvotes, 1 direct replies

[removed]