https://www.reddit.com/r/KindVoice/comments/1ify57l/l_a_past_regret_since_a_decade/
created by Throwaway2q3562 on 02/02/2025 at 14:18 UTC*
1 upvotes, 1 top-level comments (showing 1)
TW: past self-harm* . There's something that's been bothering me for around a decade on and off. Recently, it's to the point I can't study anymore. I can't go to therapy as my parents are against it. I don't have the money to do so and live with them (in last year of a math degree).
I'm in my late 20s now, but the incident occurred when I was a teenager. My sister gifted me an account with a female username, and I felt I had to pretend I was female to avoid getting attacked by others (I'm male). However, I was rather rude and overcompensated this aspect of posing as female, and was rightfully called out at times for my rudeness. I really regret what I done.
One person, I'll call Guy, became friends with me in Minecraft. I lied to Guy about my gender and even age to be friends (he was older by a few years). He was basically one of the only social outlets I had at the time (or rather the only reliable one). I was physically sick at the time to the point I couldn't go to regular school where I had to stay at home in the house. Rare was the moment i stepped outside. I don't excuse what I done with my past attitude, but I was desperate for social contact at the time.
Initially it felt like I might have led him on. But later became uncomfortable as things got more ambiguous, where he even made things like a heart island... then later burned it as an April fools joke. A moderator stepped in about the "no dating" rule in the server, and I adhered to that as best as I could and explicitly said "no". It was partly me being an oblivious teen that he may had feelings for me (or rather the identity I constructed to have the only friend at the time). Still there were times I was rude to him, especially afterwards and feel so bad about it.
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My potential OCD is fixated on the idea I need to "apologize" to him. Even though it's been around a decade since I last contacted him, I have ruminations related to all this. There was initial ambiguity with Guy. Yet I didn't want a romantic relationship.
This urge to apologize is affecting me so much I can't study. I'm in the final year of my math degree, but my OCD is preventing me from studying and doing homework. My parents are against me going to therapy (I have trauma related to them, but that's another story), and I feel stuck. As for my sister, I don't want to tell her about the incident, even though my parents are trying to yank out what's on my mind when I feel rather uncomfortable discussing it with them. I feel though that apologizing might open up Pandora's box, as Guy does not even know my real gender and age.
In sum, my mind is fixating on apologizing to Guy around a decade, and it's hard to say if it would make things worse or not. I am unable to see a therapist because my parents are against it. I wish I could just not apologize and move forward, but it's almost like I have a compulsion to. My mind ruminates if he is wondering if I am still alive or not, but given the sensitive topics, it may be wise not to contact him and apologize for my past rudeness, despite my mind (or OCD) "demanding" me to. Any advice appreciated.
Comment by AutoModerator at 02/02/2025 at 14:18 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
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