https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1iigofq/turned_away_from_hobby_group_because_dude_thinks/
created by BrainBurnFallouti on 05/02/2025 at 18:16 UTC*
230 upvotes, 18 top-level comments (showing 18)
Yep. You read that title right. A while ago, some friends told me about a Larping group they're in -aka "RL DnD group" so to speak. At first, I was a bit hesitant. But as my friends kept talking & talking & persuading me to join, I decided to take that step. I mean. It's always good, to try new opportunities, right?
Well. Today I talked to said friends again and they didn't have good news: You see, while the LARP group itself is neutral & public, there are 2 peeps of interest that don't want me there. Both with the same core-reason, but very, very different modus operandi.
To make it short: Last year, I had a CPTSD meltdown in a DnD group. It's a long, sad story really. Especially since my breakdown wasn't even at center -it only became the domino-brick to a much larger social drama. In relation to me, this finally ended in 3 main "factions": 1.) people who understood & still like me 2.) people who are vaguely neutral, believing everyone was somewhat at fault and 3.) people who believe I not only am 100% at fault for everything for "starting it", but also that I'm an unredeemable lunatic, that should be locked away from society.
The girl of the two was from faction 2.) Essentially not feeling very comfortable with me (my meltdown hurt the feelings of a close friend of hers), but also not about to start drama, if I'd join anyway. Nope. The real issue...was "J.". J...is a gossip king. a "Professional troll". And not only is he in 3.), he thinks that my CPTSD is cringe. As in, embarrassing that I even have CPTSD. Which, well, would be fine. I mean, no offense, nobody really likes the guy -he's a an alchololic gf-beater. Why tf would I care about that dude's opinion? Well. Because compared to the girl, he cannot keep his opinions to himself. Meaning he would start drama in a heartbeat. Like. HEARTBEAT heartbeat -the dude wanted to send "evidence of my insanity" (people's private texts with me) to everyone who ever knew me. Y'know. "For fun"
In other words: I'm indirectly disinvited. Not because it's "my fault". Just cause a random dude would start drama that would either re-trigger me, or annoy everyone they'd kick me after Session 0 for being the drama-topic. Or worse: Get me & my friends kicked from said group, for telling me about it aka "bringing the drama". All. Because. Some random fuckboy. Thinks CPTSD is cringe.
God I fucking love my life
Comment by dizzykhajit at 05/02/2025 at 18:45 UTC*
377 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I made it halfway through your post before *I* got exhausted.
I say this with all the love and compassion in the world:
You don't need this high school bullshit and its not indicative of healthy relationships anyway. The sooner you believe you're above it, the sooner it can stop being invited in your life and affecting you.
If that doesn't work, consider this to brighten your day: sometimes the trash takes itself out. Seriously, nothing here of value was lost. Better these people show you their colors now than after you've invested yourself.
Comment by natethough at 05/02/2025 at 19:15 UTC
151 upvotes, 3 direct replies
I feel like we are lacking key info
I had a CPTSD meltdown
What did this entail? I have seen quiet meltdowns but I have also seen people at parties screaming and crying, throwing up, and smashing things. It could shed some nuance onto the situation, as it is perfectly normal for people to be off-put by disruptive, meltdown-y, unregulated emotional behavior. Many people *are* put off by it due to prior experience with emotionally unregulated individuals.
If you have CPTSD and you disrupt social gatherings/events, blaming your actions on CPTSD instead of owning up to what you did (even if someone or something “triggered” it) can also turn people off. I find it hard to imagine someone “thinks CPTSD is cringe” when hardly anyone in western society even knowns this illness exists. It is more likely they find the *behavior* of people who claim to have CPTSD as cringe, which… being less capable of regulating your emotions, while being a symptom of CPTSD, can indeed be seen as “cringe” by folks who are just trying to have a good time LARPing.
Comment by polepixy at 05/02/2025 at 21:09 UTC
23 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Hey, fellow larper here! This isn't just a cptsd thing, this happens in every larp community. There will always be the in-group and out-group.
My advice if you still want to larp, go find the people that avoid them and find out where they primarily play their mains. Most larpers go to more than one because of these exact issues!!
Comment by Numismatits at 05/02/2025 at 22:32 UTC
21 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don't want to paint an entire hobby with a broad brush, but as someone who has been involved in this specific hobby before, unfortunately everything you've described is.... not uncommon. If you're really into it, there are ways to avoid those types of people most of the time, but there will always be the chance of brushing up against toxicity. Tbh, given how reactive and aggressive some larpers and larp communities get, I am hesitant to say too much more, but overall losing that group doesn't sound like a loss at all.
Comment by QuantumQuestion_01 at 05/02/2025 at 19:50 UTC*
11 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I can relate so much. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Obviously I don't know the dynamics of everyone in your group but from what you've written here it sounds like the people in group 3 are abusers and the people in group 2 enable them (group 1 I'm not sure about, but if they don't call out the people in group 3 for their BS then they're definitely enablers as well).
I've been in a group with a couple Js before and we had a similar dynamic going on. Even when it was a well-known fact in my group that they were rude/meanspirited/bullies etc they somehow *never* received any heat for it. Their behavior was handwaved away with platitudes like "oh that's just how he is" meanwhile my perceived inadequacies were examined with a microscope and criticized at every opportunity. I became the bearer of all guilt and shame in the group.
If you can relate to any of that at all, then these people aren't your friends. They're leeches that treat you like this because they see you as a vulnerable person they can take advantage of.
Honestly, I dunno if you want advice but I would let 'em kick you out of the group. If they'd rather ostracize you instead of telling J to shut the fuck up (the guy who's *causing the problem in the first place*) then they're implicitly telling you where their loyalties lie. You don't need to be around people like that.
Then, in a few months/years, when they inevitably come out of the woodwork to invite you to a new thing, you can tell them to fuck off. It's the best feeling in the world.
Comment by No-Doubt-4309 at 05/02/2025 at 18:35 UTC
14 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Wow. 'J' sounds like a proper bellend tbh
Comment by malmikea at 05/02/2025 at 19:44 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
What do you mean by CPTSD meltdown?
Comment by Tiff-Taff-Toff-Fany at 05/02/2025 at 19:52 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I think once time passes you will realize you dodge a bullet because what other nonsensical b.s. would that group come up with to feed the drama monster that is at the very center of their group? They will zap you of creativity and any zest for the hobby you would have. Additionally if these people triggered you, what makes you think they wouldn't trigger you again? They don't sound like a safe space. I hope you find that safe space/community. We all need that right now. Sending much love to you OP!
Comment by Special-Investigator at 05/02/2025 at 23:39 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You definitely should start a new group with people you actually like! One of the best things about being an adult is that we can leave whenever we want to. I don't have to stay around annoying, petty people. I'm sure you're not the only one who hates J either, so you guys should create your own thing and actually enjoy your time together.
Lastly... I want to say you are so much better than me bc I *would* tell J off. You triggered my FIGHT instinct. IRL, I have no patience for petty people. (But *secretly* I do love giving someone a piece of my mind.)
Comment by Weekly-Temporary-867 at 05/02/2025 at 18:36 UTC
9 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I relate to this too much. I ended up leaving a lot of groups for similar reasons mainly most of my hobbies had been because of people not understanding my OCD and thinking I was trying to imply something different than what I was trying to talk about with my anxiety being the biggest reason most people don't want me being around.
For me as I've said another posts, I have been one of the minorities where a lot of my abusers have been exposed for being deranged Enough to get criminal records and to be exposed for bad behavior.
Once I left these groups, I realized I would never go back because the groups were broken and being 19 to 25 and not being a mentor but at the same level as much older adults gave me a red flag.
I've had to delete social media and change numbers because of drama and people mistaking my desire to mend things as desperation.
I will say one thing though that people who think that your cptsd is cringe because of how you respond to something in a way that isn't malignant release has more about them than it could ever say about you which I don't really believe it can say anything about you especially if they know what was going on.
Going forward, I will not engage with people who don't understand my trauma outside of work or mandatory interaction.
That alcoholic will slip soon enough it sounds like.
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2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
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Comment by shellontheseashore at 06/02/2025 at 01:58 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
So, couple of layers, but yeah that is an understandable experience. It sucks that a lot of finding space in communities is trial and error looking for people who are able to do healthy communication (such as a session 0 regarding boundaries and hard limits like SA, hearing your concerns etc and not handwaving, conflict resolution) vs those who can't. That a group is willing to tolerate a "doesn't believe in mental illness" guy with those kinds of toxic and drama-seeking behaviours, means likely the whole group is going to have some toxic behaviours, or minimum are immature enough to tolerate and coddle him. I'd look for the people who don't engage with that, and see where they play and if there's space there.
It's a pretty old article now, but I think the "5 geek social fallacies" might be very helpful for processing this event, and navigating future conflicts? Doesn't just apply to nerd stuff ofc, but goes from that framework. I can think of multiple groups/past friendships I've had to navigate that displayed elements from it.
Comment by jankyspankybank at 06/02/2025 at 00:13 UTC
4 upvotes, 1 direct replies
It makes me sick to think about how you were treated here. I read your meltdown explanation as well. Maybe it’s my own trauma speaking but I would have crashed out hard here. It seems like your concerns were ignored and they treated you like a pariah for anonymously voicing concerns online. I don’t know if I might be missing something here but it’s ridiculous to me that you were treated like this and ignored and somehow still came out of this as the “bad guy” somehow. Nonsense.
Comment by Far_Pianist2707 at 06/02/2025 at 11:47 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Honestly these guys sound really toxic if they pick him over you, I hope that you can find smarter people to be friends with.
Comment by Spiritual_Job_1029 at 06/02/2025 at 13:18 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
For your own well being, stay away from these people. Find a new class and tribe.
Comment by asa-kitty at 06/02/2025 at 14:12 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This entire friend circle sounds exhausting and cringe. Cut them all off and just go lift weights at the gym or something.
Comment by RottedHuman at 06/02/2025 at 16:48 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You can’t expect to have complete meltdowns in public/social settings and expect some people to not be alienated and or fear for their safety. While gossiping and campaigning to have you removed from the group is shitty behavior, your behavior is also to blame (whether due to CPTSD or not).
And C/PTSD can be incredibly cringe/embarrassing, when I have a panic attack in the grocery store and look like a complete lunatic, it’s completely embarrassing and cringe. I guess my point is that you can’t upset the social order by having a meltdown and then expect things to go back to how they were.
Comment by Due_Charge_9258 at 05/02/2025 at 23:27 UTC
-3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Cheat code - After you put in the work to treat c-ptsd, because regardless of whatever diagnosis any of us have, it's ultimately our responsibility so for me yes there was medication which took time to figure out what worked but it's not a magic wand and the only way you can find right medication you have to be completely honest with yourself and providers about your symptoms and behavior which is extremely hard as most of us would rather avoid or minimize this. Group DBT CBT once I had help from right medication and individual therapy to understand what triggers react/feelings/behavior ie the source of this is where I see so many fellow c-ptsd stop - 'because this happened in my life is why..." "People don't understand I was unfairly called something and really low on sleep and they didn't realize I have c-ptsd so.." you know what nobody gives a shit. Which is actually just fine sure remember they got their own shit they don't have time to read articles and understand why you do things you do at the end of the day you want to be around people whether it's at a DnD group, friends, family, social, work etc that ideally at the least are tolerable but someone that is prone to outbursts and getting so butthurt about someone maybe criticizing or treating you a certain way that you write long ass multi paragraph emotionally driven things on reddit or people trying to explain or point out or defend or attack and it's almost always over petty stupid shit half the time it's only perceived slights and that makes everyone feel like they need to worry about how you'll react how you'll take it how you'll respond etc etc it's exhausting, and at best you'll have some that understand even if you own it and explain it or apologize and promise to change but there is no reason to expect that everyone is going to in fact expect people to not accept your bullshit no matter how unfairly it happened to you the cheat code I mentioned is IF you get properly diagnosed IF you go through the sometimes painful work of therapy to understand the source IF you commit yourself with humility and true desire to find your best self and decide it's you who can determine how these things trigger you after developing the knowledge and ability to that in group therapy or whatever successful treatment looks like for you it's not the wounds or feelings or c-ptsd is gone it's that you have learned about yourself and the tools to manage and minimize the impact it has on your life and the people around you and you can be a stable adult that can handle difficult people difficult situations drama stress the most egregious insensitive mf'rs you can and will encounter throughout life at every job everywhere you go abs you cannot control that but you can learn how to deal with it and even thrive.