https://www.reddit.com/r/Buddhism/comments/1igz5ab/is_buddhism_skeptical_of_romantic_relationships/
created by Heavy-Dentist-3530 on 03/02/2025 at 20:31 UTC*
13 upvotes, 16 top-level comments (showing 16)
Many Buddhist teachings emphasize detachment and caution toward desire, but is there any specific advice on being careful with or even avoiding romantic relationships?
Additionally, divorce rates in developed countries range from 40-50%. In the U.S., around 45% of marriages end in divorce. In Europe, the rates vary but remain significant: 42% in the UK, 39% in Germany, 55-60% in Spain and Portugal, and 44% in France. Given that nearly half of relationships may ultimately fail, the emotional and financial toll of a breakup can be significant.
Just to be clear, I understand that a supportive relationship can increase happiness. But given the risks - where success often feels like a matter of luck or blind trial and error, with significant potential for suffering - and the gradual decline many couples experience, aren’t we missing something in the way we pursue relationships? Are we overvaluing them despite the high likelihood of disappointment? Would a different approach - perhaps even avoidance - be wiser from a philosophical or practical standpoint?
I clearly understand that Buddhism emphasizes non-attachment and encourages a different perspective on relationships. However, my question is about an earlier stage: why pursue relationships at all in some cases? The disadvantages seem significant. Are there any Buddhist teachings that address this perspective?
Comment by XanthippesRevenge at 03/02/2025 at 21:56 UTC
11 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I believe it is skeptical. In general, we seek romantic relationships out of a desire for fulfillment. That necessarily means we are thinking something outside of us (ie another person) is going to fulfill our sense of lack.
However, it doesn’t work that way. Eventually the new relationship energy wears off, and we are not fulfilled. The dynamic of transference from our unconscious childhood experiences starts taking over. We stop seeing eye to eye with our partner and misunderstandings occur. Someone becomes more overtly controlling and the other more passive (covertly controlling). Things may fall apart here if we have expectations because they are not being fulfilled.
Now, one can be in a relationship and following dharma. One would, in this scenario, not have expectations of their spouse so there would be no disappointment. If this sounds like a tall order, it probably is for most people. I am talking about unconditional love, and stopping the search for fulfillment.
Comment by LotsaKwestions at 03/02/2025 at 20:46 UTC
13 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Someone could mishandle a lighter and it could burn them or burn their house down. Used properly, with discernment and skill, a lighter can be quite useful.
Comment by genivelo at 03/02/2025 at 22:59 UTC
6 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I like this little video about relationships. I think it's very profound, if we pay close attention to what she is pointing to.
Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo - The difference between genuine love and attachment (3m40s)
Comment by Traveler108 at 03/02/2025 at 20:58 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Well, don't you want to love? There's an awful lot of suffering in loneliness and isolation too. And anyway Buddhism isn't about avoiding the suffering of an engaged life. It's about clear seeing and helping yourself and others. Avoiding relationships in case they go south seems like a good way to create suffering for oneself and others, doesn't it?
Comment by Borbbb at 03/02/2025 at 20:49 UTC
5 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Quite a funny thing you are saying, for you are equating the suffering with relationship failing.
Now warning : i am gonna talk about this from a perspective more of a practicioner, rather than of a lay life enjoyer.
So, i dare to say that it´s a problem even if you completely eliminate relationship potentially failing and even deal with the sucesfull one.
It´s not the potential break up or relationship not doing well that i consider to be the big issues.
When it comes to relationships, i see it as being quite entagled with another human being. Likely you are heavily affect them, their karma, and likely they are gonna affect you ( though i dont consider it too important myself, due to my own experience).
So even if you remove yourself from the equation, you still have quite a big effect on your partner. That´s a bit problematic.
Unless the relationship is extraordinary, likely you might find yourself in all kinds of unpleasant situations. Many people often lie to their partner, even when it comes to small lies.
There is also a lot of expectations, reponsibilities, and unless you are honest from the start, you might end up playing a rather dishonest role, which could be quite unfortunate.
Even if that´s not an issue, you might likely end up being attached to other person, which then results in the usual suffering from being afraid of being separated from them, being afraid of relationship failing and such. And just in general its not very pleasant to be attached.
Since you become tied to your partner, you can´t just simply abandon them or anything, as they are likely attached to you. That´s not a pleasant idea, for if things won´t go well for you or them, it will likely be a problem for at least one side.
You also have the risk of pregnancy and such, which can be quite a massive consequences. Not to mention engaing with lust.
There are many other things that could be mentioned.
I am saying that even in rather sucesfull relationships, the negatives far outweighs the positive.
Unless it´s some extraordinary relationship of let´s say two practicioners who are not attached to each other, who support each other and who have most of their stuff dealt with. But both sides have to be at that level - and at that level, you are likely not gonna be too interested in relationships.
Comment by shvedchenko at 03/02/2025 at 20:59 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
As married father of two id say any grown up is skeptical of romantic relationships in a good way
Comment by TheLORDthyGOD420 at 03/02/2025 at 21:14 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
There's a big difference between love and attachment. Attachment views a person as an object that provides permanent happiness. This is obviously problematic. Love merely wishes another person to be happy, and puts that happiness above one's own desires. Love doesn't cause problems, attachment does.
Comment by dhammasaurusRex at 03/02/2025 at 21:37 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Would you say that the average person, doesn't know what they're doing in relationships ?
Comment by keizee at 04/02/2025 at 01:45 UTC*
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Karma brings people together. That karma can be good karma but it can also be bad karma. Either way, since it is karma, it will be unavoidable and will be repaid in this life or in future lives. Strong karma causes people to become family.
Anyway, what the relationship is based on is quite important. It should be something long term that does not decay easily with age. Iirc, Buddha says a couple of similar aspiration has a chance of meeting again in the next life. I suppose that is the kind of foundation that is recommended for a lasting relationship.
Comment by Sea-Dot-8575 at 03/02/2025 at 20:40 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Yes it is skeptical but also very pragmatic. Your relationship could be the opportunity to reflect on your selfishness if you did so with the wisdom of the Dharma.
Comment by JhannySamadhi at 03/02/2025 at 20:41 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Romantic relationships tend to be detrimental to the path. This is why monks are celibate and not allowed to touch women. It is a severe form of attachment.
Comment by Chang_C at 03/02/2025 at 21:46 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Honestly, from a Buddhist perspective, it’s not about being in a relationship or not—it’s about **how** you relate to love and attachment. If someone both longs for love and pushes it away, that’s basically the same push-and-pull we see in romantic relationships: you crave the good parts but fear the letdowns. The suffering comes from **clinging** or **aversion**, not from the relationship itself.
Once you really see how **emptiness (śūnyatā)** works and understand **karma**, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or single—you can use either situation as a chance to observe your mind, practice non-attachment, and accept your own karmic conditions. At that point, a romantic partnership doesn’t have to be a source of suffering; it can actually support your practice, as long as you stay mindful and compassionate. And if you choose to be alone, that can be equally valid for your growth.
Comment by NangpaAustralisMajor at 03/02/2025 at 23:48 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
If you are single, you have a single person's suffering.
If you have a partner, you have a coupled person's suffering.
I would say Buddhism is skeptical that a romantic relationship will solve any of our problems. This is a common confusion.
I think it depends on the person.
If one is the type of person to be codependent and reactive, then a relationship will be difficult as a practitioner. If one is laid back, fluid, adaptable, then less so.
Comment by Astalon18 at 04/02/2025 at 01:22 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
This is absolutely not correct.
You are applying the monastic teaching to this .. when in fact the householder teaching emphasises a lot on having a good relationship with your wife and children.
Now this ultimately is because the monastic teaching is aimed at Arhathood and Nirvana, while the householder is aimed at Sotapanna or a better next life.
So it depends on which part of Buddhism you are a looking at.
Comment by 4NTN8FP at 04/02/2025 at 03:24 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I believe it ultimately depends on your goal. If you want to keep 5 precepts, be a better and calmer person, and maybe have a pleasant rebirth then avoiding romantic relationships is not a priority.
If you want to cut off sense desire or at least work as much as you can in that direction in this life, then being celibate is a must in that pursuit.
There's no right or wrong in that sense, it is up to the individual to determine their aims and aspirations.
Comment by Bad_Puns_Galore at 03/02/2025 at 23:23 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Look to the middle path: starving oneself of love and letting romantic attachment consume your life are equally bad.
If you want a healthy perspective on love, read Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet” chapters on “Love” and “Marriage”. Although he wasn’t a Buddhist, he offers a view that most people—Buddhists included—can agree with, like advising lovers to break bread together, but never from the same loaf.