https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1i9wik1/women_whose_partners_wanted_to_change_after_they/
created by NotYourKoala on 25/01/2025 at 20:42 UTC
1 upvotes, 9 top-level comments (showing 9)
I’m reading posts about “not dating anyone based on potential”, and I was wondering about partners who decided to change their behavior after you’ve communicated your needs. Did it work out, or was it a temporary thing?
Comment by puppy_spies at 25/01/2025 at 21:16 UTC
10 upvotes, 0 direct replies
He said he wanted to change, kept promising he was going to, would make said changes for like a week to placate me, then get careless and fall back into old habits, then the cycle would repeat. I still ended up leaving, just way later than I should have.
Comment by DepressedReview at 25/01/2025 at 23:17 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Divorced now. Staying was a huge mistake.
You want to be with someone who cares about your happiness without requiring an ultimatum. Not someone who only cares that their own happiness might decrease due to your absence.
If their change is based only on an ultimatum, it won't be a permanent change.
Comment by caleighsky at 25/01/2025 at 22:11 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
He never actually changed.
Comment by aetnaaa at 26/01/2025 at 05:50 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
He changed for like .2 seconds girl and then was back to how he normally was. Sometimes, you can only give people so many chances……some people need to learn the hard way by actually losing what they had.
Comment by nevertruly at 26/01/2025 at 14:06 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I left because in every case they couldn't/wouldn't actually follow through on any of that while they were still comfortable with the status quo in our relationship. Waste of my time to have listened to their promises. I've already learned that lesson; no need to keep treading that wheel.
Comment by ladylemondrop209 at 26/01/2025 at 03:35 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I’m not sure I’d say he wanted to change, more like wanting to improve or fix some kinks in his head. I know he wasn’t wanting to, but on my suggestion, he sought out therapy, and really embraced it. Saying he can’t believe it took him so long to try or why didn’t he do it earlier. It’s helped him so much.
And I never needed/wanted him to change either, I wanted him to have the tools to be healthy and help himself (as it was starting to affect his physical health)… It only negatively affected our relationship in that he’d get so stressed/anxious it’d stopped him from doing things that he wanted to.
So yeah, he “changed”/improved. …And I generally do NOT believe people can/will change without *significant* effort (I.e. outside structured help), and even then, I think it’s *very* unlikely. But my SO from the start has been someone who has changed (and done) things for me if he knows I don’t like it or if he knows it’ll improve my life/our relationship. And he’d do it without me asking and without fail. One small example being that he did not have a habit of charging phone when at home. I lightly joked it was the only slight annoyance I had with him, as I thought most people would be anxious about running out of battery… He ***immediately*** religiously started making his phone, watch, etc was charged. And if for whatever reason his phone would fall below 5% or so, he’d message/tell me.
I know small or big, he’ll at the very very least try his utmost best if he knows I care about it.
Comment by laikarus at 26/01/2025 at 07:14 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My first real adult long term relationship (let’s call him D) was 7 years older than me. I met him when I was freshly 18 in a new city when I moved for college. I thought I was really mature(which I was but I had plenty to learn) and therefore should date an older guy. This dude smoked dabs constantly and had no car. He was in college but like… wasn’t super motivated?
I spent two years playing mommy bang maid. The last 6 months of our relationship got kinda bad. He just seemed so content to do and be nothing. His mom would make back hand comments and treated me not so great, he did nothing. I felt like I was propping the relationship up. Covid happened and I remember calling my dad in tears telling him D was just so useless around the house and spilling my guts about all his issues. Of course D had always promised to quit weed and get his shit together but it was always after I had to have long ass discussions with him, I wanted him to be SELF motivated. I saw him as a child because he was so helpless and put so much responsibility on me. I knew for sure it was over over when I didn’t even find him slightly attractive anymore. Every time he opened his mouth I was just so annoyed.
Thankfully because of Covid unemployment checks I had enough money to get out of there. He ended up stalking me for a while afterwards and never graduated college. He tried to yell at me in a grocery store with my new boyfriend a year after we broke up and my new man shut that shit down lol last I heard he’s now 32, single, and lives with his parents
Comment by PancakeQueen13 at 26/01/2025 at 19:20 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I still left. It was too little, too late. I didn't even give him the chance to prove he could change, I just shut down that conversation and said I made up my mind.
For what it's worth, he did change and worked on himself after we broke up, and I believe he's a better partner to the next few women who came along. I'm happy for him and them. But I had way too much resentment built up at the point where I was ready to leave because he hadn't put in the effort beforehand, so I don't think anything he would have done would have stopped me from losing my respect for him.
Comment by [deleted] at 25/01/2025 at 21:31 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
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