https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1i9tvr9/what_has_your_experience_been_like_when_pursuing/
created by Plastic-Candle-3591 on 25/01/2025 at 18:47 UTC
45 upvotes, 31 top-level comments (showing 25)
Comment by Appropriate_Tea9048 at 25/01/2025 at 23:03 UTC
47 upvotes, 1 direct replies
For me, I’ve learned that butterflies are more of an indicator of anxiety. Might not be the case for others, but that’s what I’ve learned about myself. I tend to get butterflies when I’m uncomfortable. With my fiancé, it’s been more so comfort, happiness, and contentment. I’ve always been attracted to him and always felt the romantic connection.
Comment by Altostratus at 25/01/2025 at 21:56 UTC
29 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I spent years hoping the chemistry would grow, but it didn’t and it ended. I need a certain degree of passion in my relationship.
Comment by kurious-katttt at 25/01/2025 at 20:14 UTC
73 upvotes, 0 direct replies
We’re dating now. I always thought he was cute, but I really became attracted to his personality and how I felt around him. That was a quicker path to really comfortable love more that pure animal attraction. I think the level of intimacy makes the sex better.
Comment by Maize-Express at 26/01/2025 at 03:46 UTC
18 upvotes, 0 direct replies
We were coworkers for 3 years. We are both mid 30s, we were in long term relationships at first, I left my abusive ex, he came with me and helped me move out my stuff out of the house (amongst other nice things he did), he left his abusive ex around the same time, in between we dated other people, we would hang out outside of work in group settings but there were no indications of anything else going on.
I mean yeah he was cute, but not in a way that I would crush on him or entertain any thoughts about it, I always thought he was so kind to everyone around him, and he’s such a smart hardworking man (basically the opposite of my ex lol), and also a very private person so we weren’t too close, I wouldn’t even call it a friendship tbh
Then we started going out more often, I was always trying to hook him up with my friends cause he was such a nice guy, one night we came back to my place (not the first time, he had stayed over once before, he passed out on my bed so I slept on the couch lol I don’t drink much and I’m close to town so a lot of my friends would come over and wait for their uber/taxi or sober up or stay over the night) but this time he suggested we watched a movie, I kinda started falling asleep, he started snuggling next to me and holding my hand, I giggled and asked him ok what is going on, he said he always thought I was attractive but was a firm believer of “you don’t shit where you eat” until I came around and ruined that for him and yeah, I slept with him (:
Still together 1 1/2 years later, he now started his business and I left our previous company to work with him
I actually really enjoyed the slow burn and knowing him for a few years before, I was so over meeting new guys and never knowing if I could trust them. We might not be all out there when it comes to PDA and romantic gestures, but he makes me laugh and he’s an honest person and we have great banter between us, and he’s supper cute and cuddly in private. It’s like, such a stable feeling, no crazy ups and downs, no love bombing no future faking (which is what I was used to) and being with him makes me find him more and more handsome everyday.
Comment by ZoraLynn5 at 25/01/2025 at 19:45 UTC
49 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Indeed friendship. There is nothing better than having a best friend whom I can be sexually open with.
Comment by kbd18 at 26/01/2025 at 05:28 UTC
13 upvotes, 0 direct replies
The *worst* first kiss of my life is actually the man I ended up marrying. We had a terrible kiss after a few months of flirting to the point where I was like “huh. Just friends then. Ooookay.” And moved on. Two months later he asked for a do over. He said he know the first kiss was horrible and he was too nervous and eager and excited and he wanted a second chance. So, I gave him a second chance and we’ve been together 9 years. The second kiss was nothing like the first.
Comment by Omgchipotle95 at 25/01/2025 at 21:22 UTC
27 upvotes, 0 direct replies
When I first met my now husband I told myself there’s no way I’d ever actually end up with this guy. He was immature and it was just someone fun to hang out with/something to do… ended up hanging out with him non stop and really got to know him. 7 years later we’re married haha
Comment by notyourlocalguide at 26/01/2025 at 11:25 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I realized the butterflies I was used to feeling were due to the person being unclear about their feelings and leaving me with doubts about whether they liked me.
With this person (now my partner of 4 years), it just seemed easy. It was obvious that he liked me. He told me and never tried to hide it or downplay it. I realized quickly that I liked him a lot too.
Comment by Truxul at 25/01/2025 at 22:02 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It felt like a train wreck at first but now he’s next to me playing games
Comment by coca-cola-version at 26/01/2025 at 03:28 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I thought he was cute, but nothing special. Then I found out through a mutual friend that he was into me, which made me curious. I spent some more time around him, and we became very good friends, and we both quickly fell hard in love.
I think I am into being wanted, and once I got to know him, there was no going back.
Comment by Creepy_Performer7706 at 26/01/2025 at 06:34 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I danced with him -that's when the butterflies appeared.
Comment by Distinct_Abroad_4315 at 25/01/2025 at 23:07 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
He grew on me. His bro is a massive extrovert, very handsome, he was very quiet, ordinary face. Later on after getting to know both bros, oh boi the quiet one was a million times more fun to spend time with. Never did anything at all-he didn't like me, eventually felt like he was avoiding me so I backed off completely. Haven't talked to him in 5 years. 😓
Very sad. I wish I could have faked platonic disinterest, I scared him away hardcore. He was so interesting.
Comment by laikarus at 26/01/2025 at 07:36 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Initially he was just supposed to be a hook up, he played college football and I almost didn’t swipe right on him. I have a bad history with athletes. But I said what the hell he’s cute, and we matched. We went on a date and I found that I enjoyed spending time with him a lot. I didn’t get butterflies because I have severe trust issues and I made an assumption that we wouldn’t really connect. But It did feel like a special connection because I felt at ease with him. I’d never had that before. From a young age I’ve been pretty scared of men, especially strangers. I’m not shy but I’m inwardly anxious and I don’t share my feelings and background very readily. I wouldn’t call it like love at first sight or butterflies. It was more like familiarity, comfortable like I’d known him forever.
He spent every night at my apartment for almost two weeks, and not long after that asked me to be his girlfriend. We’ve been through A LOT. We met four years ago. He’s my best friend and we’ve always had each others backs, even when family and close friends let us down, even if we’re in a disagreement, I know he’ll be there.
I think someone you feel butterflies with is great and all but personally I think your soulmate or whatever you want to call it is someone who you meet and feel at home with. Like there’s no need to be shy or anxious because you just have an understanding of each other. But hey maybe that’s just my trauma talking lol
Comment by AproposofNothing35 at 26/01/2025 at 15:46 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
As I understand it, butterflies is what happens when we are attracted to someone that is bad for us. After 25 years of dating, I’m dating someone who doesn’t give me butterflies, but he is kind and I feel safe. Traumatized humans confuse anxiety with excitement. It’s a hell of a lesson.
Comment by asianstyleicecream at 25/01/2025 at 19:33 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Friendship?
Comment by notme1414 at 26/01/2025 at 07:10 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Once I got to know their personality they became very attractive.
Comment by cherrycocktail20 at 26/01/2025 at 14:38 UTC*
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
We ended up in a relationship for 10 years, and it was the best love of my life. I wish we were still together, but unfortunately some significant changes in what he wanted for his life meant we just couldn't continue together.
We were definitely drawn together from the start, and he was certainly my type physically, but he was incredibly shy and very awkward around me. We'd hang out a lot one-on-one as friends and he'd just agree with everything I said and otherwise not say much. As a result, I really felt no butterflies or real attraction -- for me, regardless of what someone looks like, personality is the major part of developing lust or a crush. I felt zero sexual tension on my end.
I knew he liked me, so I was about to let him down gently, but then last minute I decided... eh, maybe I'll try one time to take him for a few drinks to see if he'll loosen up, and see what happens. Well, it worked, to say the least. That night, he finally started to come out of his shell and show some of his sense of humour and edgier side, I basically grabbed his hand and took him into the bedroom to see how that would go, and the physical chemistry was great.
After that we weren't apart again for over a decade.
Comment by BellaFromSwitzerland at 26/01/2025 at 15:00 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I think butterflies are up there with the ‘90s romcoms: it seemed like a good idea at first but that’s not how romantic life works
I prefer spending time with someone, understand their values and goals, have my brain seduced first
I rarely ever feel physical attraction to anyone just because they walk through the door. I need them to turn my brain on first (then turn it off with the right bedroom moves lol)
Comment by chumlee45 at 26/01/2025 at 16:35 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Sure, we were friends, cute, but not my average toxic attraction. We have been together 10 years now, we have seen the world together, built a house where the grass is green raised a dog, and now 2 kids. I am so thankful that I gave up the spark I was looking for before and when for a slow burning coal that is now a full fire. Some say the grass is greener where you water it, I say the coal is hotter when ya blow it.
Comment by dendritedendwrong at 26/01/2025 at 19:17 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My usual progression is friendship -> butterflies -> relationship, so quite positive! It’s the ones that didn’t start out as friendship that ended up in bummer territory more often than not.
Comment by Terrible-Cost-7741 at 26/01/2025 at 21:06 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I had it twice when I thought I could grow feelings eventually. They didn’t end well. Then I met someone who gave me butterflies and attraction was instant, it’s been the healthiest, longest and sustainable relationship yet.
I stayed with the first attempt to grow feelings because I was insecure and convinced I’d never find someone. They showed interest and they ended up being pretty awful. Convinced me more that I would forever be single and I deserved the hate I got. I would never settle for anything less than fireworks again.
Comment by theminxisback at 27/01/2025 at 00:48 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Sometimes butterflies are actually our intuition pointing out red flags in someone.
Comment by Foxbii at 27/01/2025 at 01:01 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It started off as fwb. I thought he was quite handsome, but didn't think too much of it. Casual was fine for both of us. He was kind, patient, fun, made me feel safe. Now we've been dating for over a year. We moved in together. He didn't give me butterflies because he doesn't cause anxiety. I don't have to stress, and mask, and over acchieve all the time. He's a gentle and sensitive person, very open and easy to be around. He makes me feel appreciated, seen and wanted.
Comment by xolOvecOnquerzallxo at 27/01/2025 at 01:36 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Together 9 months this week, 3 years married
Comment by nicorny at 27/01/2025 at 01:43 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Got married! The man who did not initially give me butterflies is my husband. He makes my heart melt almost every day. I’ve never felt so comfortable, loved, respected, and attractive before. I felt safe and secure with him immediately and that’s why there were no nervous butterflies in my opinion. No second guessing and was never left wondering.
Screw those butterflies lol - I got those with men who were merely a sexual match, but did not match personality- or moral-wise!