https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/b688ck/legal_professionals_of_reddit_whats_the_funniest/
created by SteveJackson007 on 27/03/2019 at 19:03 UTC
6929 upvotes, 126 top-level comments (showing 25)
Comment by AuxiliaryTimeCop at 28/03/2019 at 01:23 UTC*
2887 upvotes, 4 direct replies
I once attended oral arguments for US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. It's pretty much the big time.
I watched a lawyer argue that his client received what's known as "ineffective assistance of counsel" at the trial from which she was appealing.
The attorney however was not doing a very good job during oral arguments. So, at one point one of the judges on the panel leans forward and asks him "counselor, are you currently providing ineffective assistance of counsel?"
Comment by Browlon at 28/03/2019 at 01:22 UTC
1952 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Lawyer was verbally running through the evidence against the guy he was defending, trying to claim there wasn't enough to even call a trial.
All totally fine, except he said, "I believe a more seasoned judge wouldn't have let this trial move forward." Not knowing that the judge he's speaking to gave the okay to move the trial to this court. He was immediately given a hard "motion denied."
Comment by Gabrovi at 28/03/2019 at 01:21 UTC*
4520 upvotes, 5 direct replies
My brother was on a jury back in the days of MySpace. A woman had been hit by a big rig during foggy weather. She was suing for a back injury. The last day of the trial they ask her if she has a MySpace account and brought up her site for the jury to see (I think all profiles were open then). There’s a picture of her dancing on the hood of a car and right next to it is a text exchange of her saying that she shouldn’t go out too much because her lawyer says that she has to look injured.
Needless to say, she lost that case.
Comment by Cryoarchitect at 27/03/2019 at 20:36 UTC
7822 upvotes, 4 direct replies
A short one. The judge recused himself from a criminal case, publicly stating that he knew the defendant and he was a son of a bitch and guilty as hell.
Comment by Tetragon213 at 28/03/2019 at 01:59 UTC
3395 upvotes, 3 direct replies
A funny historical one here.
Marshal Ney is on trial for treason after Napoleon gets overthrown for the second time. His lawyer desperately tries to save the Marshal's life with an unusual take on things; due to a border change, Marshal Ney's hometown was, at the time of the trial, in Prussia. Therefore, argued the lawyer, Marshal Ney was not technically French and accordingly could not be guilty of "treason".
Marshal Ney disagreed and shouted out to the court "I am French and I will remain French!". He was subsequently found guilty and sentenced to death.
This also has a double whammy with badass last words; he asked for and was given permission to *lead his own firing squad*.
His last words to them were: "Soldiers, when I give the command to fire, fire straight at my heart. Wait for the order. It will be my last to you. I protest against my condemnation. I have fought a hundred battles for France, and not one against her ... Soldiers, fire!"
Talk about a way to die!
Comment by Aardvark1292 at 28/03/2019 at 04:52 UTC
370 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Not my case, but still a personal favorite.
I was sitting in court waiting for my turn. Case going was a littering case, officer said he saw the defendant throw the clear wrapper on a pack of gum out of his window. Guy decided to defend himself. Girlfriend takes the stand (officer has already testified). Guy asks "did I throw a gum wrapper out the window?" She replies "no you did not" with this huge grin on her face. The defendant is now also grinning and goes "what **did** I throw out the window?" To which she replies "it was the plastic wrapper from your cigarettes."
Guy rests his case right there. Literally thought he would get off because the officer couldn't properly identify the clear plastic that he admits to throwing out the window.
Comment by Achleys at 27/03/2019 at 22:59 UTC
5502 upvotes, 10 direct replies
I represent school districts. One of my clients has a farm that is used to teach agricultural science to the students. The manager of the farm decides to brutally euthanize a ton of chickens in full view of a group of elementary school students.
Sometimes, farms have to euthanize chickens. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was whacking the chickens over the head with a hammer. And he had to whack each chicken like 5-6 times before they died because he’s apparently some kind of psychopath.
The poor chickens were NOT dying. That didn’t deter him. If one refused to die, he’d just toss the chicken on the ground and try again with another one. But the birds were all getting horrifically damaged, so they were flapping in circles on the ground, or walking with terrible, stuttering limps, or screaming. One of the kids recorded it and Jesus Christ it was awful to watch.
So, I recommended the school district fire him immediately because holy hell.
He sued. For GENDER DISCRIMINATION.
Comment by [deleted] at 27/03/2019 at 20:17 UTC
6112 upvotes, 7 direct replies
[removed]
Comment by spliffyMcPiffy at 27/03/2019 at 22:47 UTC
2536 upvotes, 5 direct replies
My father is an attorney and he always had a story for us when wed ask him this question. He tells it way better than I do but I'll give it a shot.
Some dude was allegedly smashing a wall with a sledgehammer with others in order to break into a private property. The cops rolled up, and hes the only one to get caught.
Fast forward a few months, and this guys in court. Apparently a cop says something about how, "the defendant was the only one caught, but there were two other men who fled on foot and couldn't be apprehended". My father's clients face lights up in an 'AHA!' Moment and immediately tells the judge, "not true, there were four of us!". I guess he thought if he could disprove someone that the said hed be let go. Safe to say he was found guilty of vandalism. My father says the judge just kind of sighed and told my father it would be a good idea to keep his client quiet.
Comment by [deleted] at 27/03/2019 at 23:15 UTC*
7040 upvotes, 2 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by hymie0 at 28/03/2019 at 02:46 UTC
1742 upvotes, 6 direct replies
I was the respondent (not the lawyer) in a civil case where the county accused me of violating a rule that a house cannot have more than two parties in a month.
The county's prime witness admitted, on the stand, that
1 The rule was implemented specifically in response to a complaint against me.
2. The rule was not written in the county code.
3. The rule was not included in my warning letter nor in my citation.
4. The county had no expectation of ever applying this rule to any other resident in the future.
The judge declared the rule null and void.
Comment by fabbo_crabbo at 28/03/2019 at 01:57 UTC
732 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Not an exact fit for the answer, but I once worked at a company where we found out that a lawyer was trying to arrange a class action suit against us, before it got off the ground. We found out because this lawyer attempted to email her client, but accidentally emailed us instead. With all the details of the class action.
Comment by ToxicOstrich91 at 28/03/2019 at 02:51 UTC
723 upvotes, 6 direct replies
I observed a case where the plaintiff attorney played Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” as his closing argument to evoke an emotional response in the jury.
He lost.
Comment by Uzorglemon at 28/03/2019 at 00:01 UTC
2832 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Not a legal professional, but I do have a good story on this topic.
Fifteen or so years ago, my Dad was the manager of a small hotel. One of the semi-regular customers was this big Samoan dude, who booked in for a day at a time, always had a few visitors, and always paid in cash, in a one-to-one conversion with American dollars - highly unusual in Australia.
Dad always said he was a great customer, very friendly with the staff, never gave anyone any problems, and always had a bit of a chat when he checked in.
One day a couple of detectives rocked up, and asked to speak to my Dad. They showed him a photo of the aforementioned customer, and asked if he was currently staying in the hotel. Dad confirmed that he was, and in a matter of minutes a small contingent of cops arrived, stormed the room and escorted the guy away in handcuffs. Turns out the guy was a pretty major drug dealer, and was wanted in a couple of states.
Cut to the court date quite some time later. My Dad is in the witness stand, and (for whatever reason) the defense is trying to make out like my Dad didn't know the defendant, and had never seen him before. Obviously my Dad insisted that he *did* in fact know the defendant, but that line persisted from the defense.
As my Dad left the witness box, he walked past the defendant and said "Hi Barry", to which Barry enthusiastically replied, "Hi Jason, how are you?!". While I'm sure this wasn't the only thing that counted against him in the case, it certainly can't have helped.
He ended up getting quite a few years in jail.
(Names changed, obvs)
Comment by akcpcc at 27/03/2019 at 23:57 UTC
1183 upvotes, 2 direct replies
I’m an attorney and I heard about a hearing where there were several criminal defendants before the judge. The judge noticed a strong pot smell in the courtroom and asked if any of the defendants had pot on them. No one came forward and the judge proceeded, but the odor became stronger and stronger. Finally the judge demanded the perpetrator to come forward. Finally one of the came forward and had several bags of weed on him. I’m not sure what the charges were before him that day but I wouldn’t want to have been his attorney
Comment by [deleted] at 28/03/2019 at 01:28 UTC
1350 upvotes, 4 direct replies
A defence lawyer was delivering her closing statement to the jury. In her final sentence, she said, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I urge you to find my client guilty".
There was a moment of silence and she then says "Not guilty! I meant to say NOT guilty!"
Comment by [deleted] at 27/03/2019 at 23:35 UTC
984 upvotes, 4 direct replies
After argument from the Assistant District Attorney, the judge asked defense counsel why he should allow the defendant to remain on his own recognizance. Defense counsel looks up, obviously searching for any reason he can because he knows his client is a dirtbag and this is what he comes up with ..... “ Because his girlfriend lives in the apartment above mine and I’ll hear her crying all night.” Defendant remanded to jail.
Comment by poizunman206 at 28/03/2019 at 03:52 UTC
434 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Not me, not a legal professional, but my brother's EMT instructor used to live in Chicago. This one's a two-for.
The instructor himself had had his license suspended for numerous traffic charges, including evading police. But forgot about his arraignment date until about an hour prior. So the guy hops on motorcycle and drives himself to the court. Remember this for later.
The dude in the court right before him is a hispanic guy. The judge reads off everything he's charged with and then the conversation goes like this:
Judge: "Mr. Gonzalez, how do you plead?"
Gonzalez: "No hablo ingles."
Judge: "Mr. Gonzalez, do you understand a word I'm saying?"
Gonzalez: "No hablo ingles."
Judge: "Mr. Gonzalez, am I to understand that, this whole time, no one has bothered to get a translator for you?"
Gonzalez: "No hablo ingles."
Judge: "Well... I guess, if you can't understand what you're charged with, we'll have to drop all the charges."
Gonzalez: "Gracias, señor." *starts walking out*
Judge: "Get back in here!"
After him, the instructor goes up, judge reads his charges, and then asks him how he got to the court that day.
Instructor: "Oh, my brother gave me a ride."
Judge: "Is that right?"
Instructor: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: *Looking at the Bailiff* "Do you have that footage from parking deck 3?"
He then proceeds to play CCTV footage of him showing up on the exact same bike that he was using for all when he ran from the cops. His license remained suspended and the judge told him he couldn't go anywhere near the bike during that time. There was even a cop standing next to it when he left.
Comment by EightySixTheWorld at 28/03/2019 at 01:20 UTC
769 upvotes, 4 direct replies
I worked as a paralegal in a firm specializing in land use litigation and real estate. Another paralegal’s husband got a DWI and as a favor to her, one of the partners offered to defend her husband in court.
This is a small town with a landmark windmill in the center of town. Well, this paralegal’s husband’s (who we all called the missing link) DWI stemmed from him crashing his car into the windmill. Front page of the local paper, reporters at the arraignment, the whole nine yards.
So the law firm partner tells the missing link that when the judge asks him how many beers he had before his accident, he should tell her he had three.
He proceeds to stand in front of the judge and tell her he had three...cases. The whole room started laughing and he ended up getting jail time.
Comment by ArmyOfDog at 28/03/2019 at 00:58 UTC
1082 upvotes, 5 direct replies
I’m a bankruptcy paralegal. I used to work for a Chapter 13 Trustee who told me this story.
A debtor who had filed a Chapter 7 bankruptcy was going through the normal questions at his 341 meeting. This meeting is a hearing without a judge, where the trustee asks debtors simple questions regarding their situation and the paperwork they’ve filed. Creditors may also question the debtor, but other than the IRS, none ever show up. And when I was there, the IRS representative always fell asleep, and I’d have to wake her when one of the cases she was there for was called.
For the most part, it takes no more than five minutes per case. The hearing basically exists for the debtor to affirm under oath that to the best of their knowledge, their paperwork is complete and accurate, and for the trustee to address any issues he has with the case before the case is confirmed and allowed to take its natural course. With few exceptions, an attorney has done all their paperwork for them, and is with them, representing them at this hearing. It’s all very straightforward and a non-event for the most part.
One document that the debtors have to provide lists all their personal property. Another document they provide is used to protect their property, as in bankruptcy, you’re still allowed to keep your stuff, your car, and your house, provided the value of these things is within certain limits or meets various criteria. Most people don’t have to give up any property at all.
However, in a Chapter 7, a Trustee can seize any of your property that is not protected. This would be property that is worth more than the values that are allowed, or that is not protected by other factors, such as being exempt from seizure for various reasons provided by the law. The Trustee can also seize property if it *could* be protected, but the debtor has failed to fill out the correct paperwork to create that protection. I’m oversimplifying, but that’s the gist of it. But again, very few people lose anything at all.
Anyway, in his paperwork, the debtor in this story failed to disclose one item in particular, and had also failed to include it in the paperwork that would have protected it. And that is why he was forced to remove the Rolex from his wrist, and hand it over to the Trustee, right then and there.
Comment by DSA_FAL at 28/03/2019 at 03:20 UTC
201 upvotes, 1 direct replies
When I was clerking for a judge, a defendant wrote to the judge trying to explain that the two bongs found on the floorboard of the car were actually his girlfriend’s but he was afraid to speak up earlier because she’s on Section 8, and drugs are forbidden for Section 8 recipients. Mind you, he was on probation at the time the cops pulled him over and it didn’t matter who owned the bongs, he was still in violation of his probation for being in possession of drug paraphernalia.
His attempt to get out from his charges not only screwed over his girlfriend, but it also showed that he knew of the bongs that were in her s car.
Comment by sweadle at 28/03/2019 at 03:31 UTC
198 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Landlord didn't want to sue for eviction under her name because she was collecting rent in cash and not declaring it, while her building was in foreclosure.
So she had her accountant (who apparently thought there is such thing as client accountant privilege, and that kind of thing) sue the tenants in his name.
So this random accountant shows up at eviction court with the tenants, his name isn't attached to the building or the leases in any way, but he swears he can get the landlord on the phone to vouch that he's "authorized" to do this in her name.
Judge dismissed the case with no prejudice.
You can't borrow someone else's name to sue someone, if you're trying to do illegal things under your own name (or at all, for that matter)
Comment by Dlorn at 27/03/2019 at 23:14 UTC
568 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Flashing his gun at the witness during a deposition.
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http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/lawyer%5C_is%5C_suspended%5C_for%5C_flashing%5C_gun%5C_at%5C_deposition%5C_other%5C_appalling%5C_behavior/[1][2]
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Comment by TenkoBoss at 28/03/2019 at 04:16 UTC
371 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Not a defendant, but there was this dude in the court I interned as who went in with his friend but wore a shirt with the exact color as the ones in group trials. The bailiff mistook him for a convict and was asking him to sit down.
"Hell naw man. I'm just here to see my friend. I ain't got no case. He was the one who got caught. I got away."
No. No he didn't get away.
Comment by EffectiveResponse3 at 28/03/2019 at 03:02 UTC
167 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I have a bunch, but my favorite is a group of LLC members who refuse to hire a lawyer for the company as required by the local rules. They keep getting their filings stricken. It’s to the point where the judge doesn’t even set a hearing anymore. They file whatever they file, I move to strike, and the court enters an order striking it.