456 upvotes, 10 direct replies (showing 10)
View submission: What's something you never understood about the opposite gender?
Mix of:
1. Power dynamics. You may hate someone but doing anything explicitly can backfire on you. So you have to pretend to like each other or you lose the friend group. One situation I see is when two people in a friend group clearly hate each other, but they have to play nice because if they fight, it's not clear how the friend group will break up.
2. Insecurity. It manifests both in the chronic need to shit talk and one up, and in the inability to just walk away from that friend group. Some people, including women, have a really hard time being alone socially. They associate it with being a loser, I think, and because they've spent their whole lives clinging to bad friend groups, they don't realize it's better to be alone than to have shitty company.
3. Sunk cost fallacy. A lot of "We have been friends for 15 years omg" and valuing friendships for their lengfh even if they're shit friendships. There's a ton of nostalgia and whatnot wrapped up in that friend geoup.
Comment by a-la-grenade at 08/03/2025 at 20:01 UTC
145 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Heavy on #3. That's the point I was going to make. Sometimes these girls have been friends their entire lives and don't really know how to just...stop, even though they're clearly growing apart, have different priorities now, have a list of grudges, whatever it is.
Comment by ashinary at 08/03/2025 at 20:28 UTC
37 upvotes, 1 direct replies
i'm in a situation with #1. i really like everyone else in a group of like 15 people so i dont want to stir anything. id rather deal with the one person than stir any drama and potentially lose my better friends for being on the other persons side. they'd probably still talk to me but it would end up being a case of "okay which of the two do we invite?" and that's not fair to them. it's just easier to be nice
Comment by ladyteruki at 09/03/2025 at 00:50 UTC
9 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Oh there's a lot of 3 for sure !
I'd also add :
4. We aren't socialized to prioritize our own needs over that of the group. This is slowly changing, but when we're little girls, we're taught to get along for the sake of getting along. If someone annoys you, keep it to yourself ; or maybe you haven't made enough of an effort for them to be nicer ? If someone is mean to you, what have you done to deserve it ? If there is a conflict, why haven't you found a way to compromise ? Girls are taught to be sweet and agreeable. Don't make waves. Don't let others down.
This goes fundamentally against the idea of leaving your "friend" group when things go wrong.
Comment by PJFohsw97a at 08/03/2025 at 20:06 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This is pretty much one of plot lines of the current season "The White Lotus".
Comment by Anal_bleed at 09/03/2025 at 09:26 UTC*
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
3 for real. I dropped my Best friend of 22 years who was my best man because he started abusing his girlfriends and refused to see anything wrong with that or get help. He took the break up hard and acted the same way those “crazy” exes did. 40 page emails; showing up at my house 🤣
This applies to many men as well there’s that need to be there for a friend. Thing is though if they won’t change their behaviour or learn then stop being mates with them. “Oh that’s my best mate he just gets physical with people when he’s drunk haha” no that’s a mate who you’ve spent your life enabling by giving him an easy way to get away with being a dick when he’s drunk.
Comment by VeganMonkey at 09/03/2025 at 04:49 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It’s such a high school thing! I had a group like that for one year and ditched them. I didn’t think adults did this. There were two girls in our group no one liked, so I suggested to just not keep them in the group anymore but they refused to do that. I never understood that. That group is STILL friends now, minus those two haha.
Comment by Just_dirty_secrets at 09/03/2025 at 07:34 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Personally, i was forced to be in those friend groups by my mother who hoped it would make me more "normal" (im autistic). It didn't, and i hated every moment. Young girls are litterally the meanest group of people.
Now im an adult and if someone is rude, impolite, shit talks, or i just dont like them, i simply dont spend time with them.
Comment by Famous_Sugar_1193 at 09/03/2025 at 11:44 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Everything you’ve written is wise and sound, but you agree with me that it applies to men too right?
Men will stay friends with LITERAL SEX OFFENDERS LMFAO
Bc they’ve been friends since grade school. Or whatever the fk.
I’ve never known men that say their friends are better men than they are and yet they also never admit they’re too awful to be around.
Men always talk sh*t about their friends, but yet stay friends with them.
People are so sad
Comment by turbotong at 09/03/2025 at 13:03 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This is a well written explanation. Thank you
Comment by dovesweetlove at 08/03/2025 at 19:50 UTC
0 upvotes, 0 direct replies
As a woman I don’t understand it and so I usually don’t have very deeply close friendships with women because of it