794 upvotes, 37 direct replies (showing 25)
View submission: What's something you never understood about the opposite gender?
Why do women say "Do whatever you want" when they really mean "Choose wrong and die"?
Comment by Darth_Krios at 08/03/2025 at 18:45 UTC*
842 upvotes, 23 direct replies
Hi, a husband to a woman here, I'll take this one. They want you to want what they want, but not because they want it. They want you to want the same things naturally, if she tells you what it is then you *could be* just saying it because that's what she wants, and she doesn't want that.
After writing this, I realize it's not any clearer.
Edit: Autocorrect messed me up a bit, it is not fixed.
Edit 2: as someone brought attention to, autocorrect autocorrected my edit and messed THAT up. I'm not fixing that one.
Comment by Hyltrbbygrl at 08/03/2025 at 22:01 UTC
147 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Here’s an example:
Every birthday my mother wants flowers or a nice cake but she has to tell my father to do this instead of him just doing it for her.
She gets annoyed because she does sooo much for him, and he should just know that he should do nice things for her, because he loves her and cares for her, and not because she told him he should.
Comment by OxfordComma37 at 08/03/2025 at 18:39 UTC
130 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Because they want you to want to do the right thing, whatever that is.
Comment by cookieaddictions at 08/03/2025 at 21:47 UTC
11 upvotes, 1 direct replies
They don't want to seem controlling or bitchy for being the one to make the decision all the time but they also don't want you to choose the wrong thing.
But I realize I may be reading this wrong, I'm reading it as a small decision like where to get dinner.
If this phrase is being used when you're asking if you should spend time with them or not, or some other thing that would show that you love them and enjoy time together with them, they're not going to force you to do the thing they want, they want you to want that yourself. For example, if every weekend you say "hey I was going to hang with my buddies all day, unless you want me to stay with you?" and they say "do whatever you want" it's because they don't want to be the nag that's forcing you to stay home if you'd rather hang with your friends, but they will be upset if you're always choosing to hang with your friends, because it feels like you don't want to spend time with her. If the **only way** you spend time with her is if she speaks up to tell you not to do what you actually want to do, she's always going to feel like your second choice, which feels shitty. So she tells you to do what you want, because you're your own person. But if "what you want" is never her, she's going to be upset.
Does that make sense? Not sure I'm understanding the context in the way you meant it.
Comment by 3lizalot at 08/03/2025 at 18:46 UTC
216 upvotes, 3 direct replies
"Do whatever you want" means "make your own decision and then live with the consequences of it," and those consequences include upsetting her and damaging your relationship. It's not rocket science.
Comment by chronicallyindi at 08/03/2025 at 19:30 UTC
66 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Because we care more about what your intent is, and how you act without having to be told. Doing something we’ve told you to do has little meaning compared to doing the right thing of your own volition.
If you genuinely don’t know what to do because you *genuinely* don’t know how each option will make a woman feel and what she would actually want, communicate with her about the options and her feelings. Say you actually care and want to do the right thing but you don’t know what it is. The caveat to this is that you have to have made a genuine effort to know her and understand her, and have actually thought about the options on your own - not just decide it’s easier to be told what to do than to do the work.
To be known, truly known, is to be loved. We want to be known.
Comment by Pindakazig at 08/03/2025 at 19:59 UTC
17 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I say this in the context of 'you asked me what I think you should do. You plan to ignore my answer, and stick with your original plan, which you did not disclose when you asked me my opinion. Fuck you for wasting my energy like that.'
The question is nearly always 'hi, I'm doing something I'm aware you disagree with. Want to agree with me now that I'm doing it anyway?' I'm not going to veto this, and I'm also not switching my point of view.
Comment by Ancient-Damage9160 at 08/03/2025 at 22:02 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It simply means "I don't like your choice but I can't forbid you anything" so just do what you want.
And since I don't like your choice I'll probably be a little angry, but then we can talk about it.
It sucks for both of us when that happens but if there is good dialogue it can be fixed.
Comment by Federal-Cut-3449 at 09/03/2025 at 02:26 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don’t do exactly that, but as a girl, what I would say is that sometimes I want something out of someone, but I don’t want to have to demand it out of them. It makes me feel bad to ask someone to do certain things, like I’m needy or demanding. So I try and let them have free choice to do whatever they want. But then I feel bad when they make the choice that negatively affects me. I’d assume wives after a while just get plain angry.
Comment by DogsDucks at 08/03/2025 at 19:34 UTC
16 upvotes, 0 direct replies
We want you to want us, not see us as an obligation. So if we’re saying do what you want, it’s going to hurt us if we are not what you want.
I wanna make it clear that I am not condoning this and I do not do this— I try to directly explain what I want and why I want it. But I’m just playing devils advocate for the purpose behind it.
Comment by ProfessionalBelt3373 at 08/03/2025 at 22:30 UTC
8 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don't like the idea of setting a trap, which that sometimes is.
Sometimes, though, the woman it's at the end of their rope, having explained something already, maybe multiple times, and the partner still either doesn't or won't get it. They want the woman's blessing/ approval, even if it's the woman throwing her hands up going "fine! Do whatever!" Because later the man can say "you said do whatever and I did!" However the woman feels like she explained her position and her partner knew she didn't want them to do X (and he did know), but because she responded sarcastically in exasperation after being ground down, we're here.
It's 2 people not communicating well.
Comment by MacabreMealworm at 09/03/2025 at 01:22 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Thankfully, I don't have this issue. I'm autistic so I just say what I feel/think. "I don't care what you order" and "I don't mind if you go fishing with the guys" means exactly that. If it bothered me I would tell him it bothered me or I felt left out. I don't understand NT socializing with the mind games.
Comment by ThreadPainter316 at 09/03/2025 at 01:28 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It usually doesn't start with "do whatever you want" though, does it? Usually it starts with some mild disagreement ("Oh, you're going out with the boys tonight? I thought we were going to watch this new movie together"), then the man starts pushing to get his way ("Yeah, but Bobby just got a promotion and we're all going out to celebrate with him. Can't we watch the movie some other time?"), then some mild pushback from the woman ("But you just saw Bobby last weekend. Can't you do it some other night?"), then more insistence from the man ("No, I can't do it some other night. They're all going out tonight. If I don't go, I'll miss it"), then the woman concedes to end the argument, but is obviously still irritated ("Fine, do whatever you want").
At that point, if you really do choose to "do whatever you want," you should sure as shit know that you're digging your own grave.
Comment by Hira_Said at 09/03/2025 at 04:01 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It’s sarcasm. It really means “Take this seriously”.
Comment by cruuuuzzzz at 09/03/2025 at 07:10 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
For me it’s because I want you to show your true colors and do what you feel is right not because I’m telling you to do it. I don’t want you to be doing things just to please me and avoid a fight, but then hold resentment.
Comment by Random_Guy_47 at 09/03/2025 at 09:52 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
"Do whatever you want" is not permission.
It is a dare.
Comment by Halospite at 08/03/2025 at 23:23 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
IME it means "I've been trying to tell you what to do because you asked me to, but you kept arguing with me about it so fuck it."
Comment by LadyOfLochNess at 09/03/2025 at 00:16 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I will say TONE MATTERS when it comes to this one. Some women say it in a passive way because they genuinely do not care (me), and just want you to put yourself first and do whatever you would like to do. A lot of time women feel overwhelmed by the need or want to care for things, but one too many questions can really weigh after a day of trying to cater to people and be ahead of peoples’ needs, so it may seem like a simple question to you but she may genuinely not care which option you choose and just be tapped out due to the amount of questions they fielded that day. However, I’ve also heard this said by women in an incredibly passive aggressive tone, which is just mean or condescending, and usually they’re gearing to pick a fight like you mentioned above. Avoid those people at all costs, nobody deserves to be spoken to in a passive aggressive way for no reason.
Comment by TheFaeBelieveInIdony at 09/03/2025 at 03:20 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I tell ppl do whatever they want because ultimately everyone has to choose what's best for them. I don't want someone choosing a thing they don't want just to maintain a relationship with me. If their decision doesn't align with what I want in life, we can part ways and that is my preference.
Comment by CoraCricket at 09/03/2025 at 05:05 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Certain things are just pointless if you have to tell them.
Usually in the "do whatever you want" situation, there's a pretty clear choice between one option you would take if you valued and cared about her and one option you would take if you didn't.
If someone doesn't care enough about me for it to be reflected in their decisions, I'm not going to walk them through how to act like they care more about me. That knowledge about what I'm worth to them is more valuable than any performance they could put on about caring about me.
Comment by sedimentary-j at 09/03/2025 at 09:05 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
The comments you're getting are one way to explain it. Another way is: those women grew up with parents who modeled manipulation and passive-aggressiveness, and think that's how you get your partner to give you what you want.
Comment by spiteful-vengeance at 09/03/2025 at 09:44 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My wife came to with "whatever you decide to cook I will love it".
Woman, I don't think you share my desire to explore the nutritional utility of offal, so don't say such silly things.
Comment by Famous_Sugar_1193 at 09/03/2025 at 11:46 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Are you dead? Cuz if not they obviously didn’t mean that.
Comment by funsizecandyy at 08/03/2025 at 21:58 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Mostly it is because we've realized expressing our opinion to someone who simply doesn't listen or value our opinion isn't worth our time .
Either that or we're PMSing but never tell us that we're PMSing bc you'll receive the death of a thousand suns
Comment by Ghostseshmedia at 08/03/2025 at 19:35 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
hahaha im a dude, this is very accurate ive thought before