https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/ft35oi/aita_for_turning_off_my_husband/
created by tudorwife on 01/04/2020 at 16:36 UTC
109 upvotes, 13 top-level comments (showing 13)
Some background: my husband has been married before, I haven’t (although I was briefly engaged once). I come from a strong Protestant background, and my husband spent most of his life as a devout Catholic before seeing the light about ten years ago. He’s also older than me – I’m about the same age as his older daughter from his first marriage. Oh, and we’re in kind of an arranged marriage, which is normal in our culture.
I think our marriage has gotten off on the wrong foot. When I first met my husband, I was watching some entertainment and he came up in disguise and kissed me, which really startled me and I didn’t respond well. It was awkward and I just tried to ignore this strange guy who was really taking liberties. Then he left and came back in his real clothes and introduced himself as my husband, and I could tell that he was annoyed that I hadn’t known who he was.
On our wedding night … we didn’t consummate. He was very nice about it at the time, and he has been every night since, but he’s said some *really* hurtful things about me to his friends afterward, like that I smelled too bad to get near, and they all believe him. He’s also telling them that I don’t look like the pictures that made him agree to marry me – like, “I’m not even sure that they’re her”-levels. He basically thinks I catfished him, and he feels hurt and betrayed.
I admit that it’s possible that the picture was a bit touched up, and people may have been overly flattering in their descriptions of me because they wanted this marriage to go through. AITA for not making it clear ahead of time that I’m a normal person and not a babe?
Comment by smolbeanlydia at 01/04/2020 at 16:58 UTC
67 upvotes, 1 direct replies
NTA he’s calling YOU a catfish when he’s the one who came over to you in a disguise?? That’s a red flag and you should try and get an annulment if you haven’t consummated yet.
Comment by squished_hedgehog at 01/04/2020 at 16:57 UTC
22 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NAH - maybe he'll offer you some money to pretend the whole marriage never happened.
Comment by Gankom at 01/04/2020 at 17:40 UTC
21 upvotes, 1 direct replies
NTA- So many red flags it sounds like a July 4th Parade. Get out while you can!
Comment by eksokolova at 01/04/2020 at 17:00 UTC
16 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA. Arranged marriages are often awkward, I know it’s normal in your culture but maybe it’s time to embrace making your own choice. What is the guy like, anyways? You said he has multiple kids? Are you sure you want to be a stepmom right from the get-go? And what happened to his previous wife? Is she dead, or divorced?
And, ya, it’s shitty to catfish, but was your picture that far off or is he just being a dick and looking for an excuse not to marry you. Perhaps you’d be better of as friends in the end.
Also, you’re the age of his eldest kid? Yikes!
Comment by flamingoinghome at 01/04/2020 at 19:49 UTC
16 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Oh honey, I'd say you're NTA. Did he tell you he was a cosplayer before you met? If not, he's being silly for expecting you to automatically take interest in his hobbies. Especially from a conservative culture like you both seem to belong to--you can't be blamed for not wanting to kiss a stranger while you're engaged!
And what does he look like? Were his profile pictures all filter-free? Especially since he's older than you? That's what I thought.
Comment by mary-anns-hammocks at 01/04/2020 at 18:08 UTC
15 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NAH - you're not compatible. He's kinda TA for trashing you behind your back, though. I don't see this lasting, but don't beat yourself up over it. If he's been married numerous times, it might be a "him" problem. If he won't consummate, you won't get pregnant and there won't be a child to complicate things if you decide to separate. You're young, you'll probably come out on the other side of this just fine. I wish you the best.
Comment by jamaispur at 01/04/2020 at 19:26 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA. And if you go along with an annulment who knows, you could get Richmond Palace out of it. Just be sure to hang up all those portraits he doesn’t like somewhere everyone can see them.
Comment by gggggrrrrrrrrr at 02/04/2020 at 00:45 UTC*
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NAH. I totally understand why you aren't into him. He sounds really narcissistic and overbearing. Accusing you of catfishing him just because your pic showed you in a cute outfit and flattering makeup is way over the line.
But, to be fair, your post history mentions this is his first time in an arranged marriage. I know they're pretty common in his culture, but if he's used to love matches, it could be a pretty big culture shock for him.
Honestly, it sounds like you just aren't right for each other. Maybe cut your losses and get an annulment?
Comment by applecat117 at 01/04/2020 at 19:17 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA, you’ve stepped into a nasty situation way beyond your control, get out while you can and go live your best life well away from all that nonsense.
Comment by AllSoulsNight at 02/04/2020 at 02:12 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA-- Some couples just aren't meant to be married but just good friends. You're probably more like a sister to him. Since you've come all this way maybe he'll set you up in a nice cottage. I think his kids may also benefit from your kind nature.
Comment by allthejokesareblue at 01/04/2020 at 16:46 UTC
4 upvotes, 2 direct replies
YTA. The man started a fucking Church for you, you could at least be honest.
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1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
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Comment by 1001001010000 at 02/04/2020 at 01:02 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Are you Anne of Cleeves? Lol