https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/fsyu9b/aita_for_questioning_my_husbands_religious/
created by tudorwife on 01/04/2020 at 12:28 UTC
698 upvotes, 25 top-level comments (showing 25)
My husband (34M) and I (40F) have had a long and happy marriage. I’ve always been supportive of him and his work (and to be honest, there have been times when I’ve had to do parts of his job for him because he was too busy), and I always envisioned myself continuing to help him until I retired, so to speak. We haven’t had the best luck having kids, but we do have one daughter, who we both adore and who my husband is planning to succeed him in the family business. I gave him permission a while back to open our marriage because I knew it would be a brief affair and he’d come back to me, but other than that he’s always been faithful.
Lately, however, we’ve been drifting apart. At first I caught him looking at another woman we both know – and I was upset, but I decided that I could give him another hall pass and it would be fine in the long run. Then he started saying that we weren’t really married because of some technicality, and he wanted a divorce so he could start a “real family”! This technicality came up at the time, but our priest said that everything was all right and that there was nothing in the way of our marriage. We’ve always been a very religious family, going to Mass regularly and observing all the holidays, but he’s started attending this new hippy-dippy church on the outside of town with the other woman. The people there have told him he’s absolutely right about the technicality and that he doesn’t even need a divorce because we were never legally married. He’s giving up our whole community and our beliefs, not to mention me and our daughter, for this new woman and new life philosophy!
When I tell him how upset I am that he’s making all of these changes and accusations (this technicality is complicated, but it involves my sexual past, which he keeps discussing with other people and making me defend), he says that he’s genuinely sorry, but that he just sees our marriage as something that was morally wrong for him to go through with and that he’d be a bad person to continue. He says he’d be perfectly happy to have an amicable divorce and take care of me if I’ll just sign the papers, but I need to respect his beliefs and he can’t understand why I’m reacting like this. AITA?
Comment by discoverysol at 01/04/2020 at 12:58 UTC
351 upvotes, 1 direct replies
NTA!! I’m a little worried about your husband (midlife crisis?) and this new church. More importantly, he seems to be walking all over you! You seem to have your head on your shoulders- honestly you should just cut him out of your life.
Comment by itsacalamity at 01/04/2020 at 13:48 UTC
139 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA! Wow, your husband's actions are "Boleyn" me over!
(... I'll see myself out)
Comment by sunsandcinnamon at 01/04/2020 at 13:23 UTC
246 upvotes, 1 direct replies
NTA but calm down, doesn’t sound like anything to lose your head over. Metaphorically I mean.
Comment by raliberti2 at 01/04/2020 at 13:32 UTC
85 upvotes, 1 direct replies
NTA. O, Caterina.. your husband sounds like he could turn into a real tyrant if you ask me. Honestly, I've heard his brother wasn't a stand up guy either.. for very different reasons of course. I think it best to leave the whole messy situation before people really start losing their heads over it all.
Comment by anyboli at 01/04/2020 at 13:52 UTC
61 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA, but I would just sign the papers. You're husband sounds important and powerful. If you divorce him easily, you and your daughter might get a nice settlement and maybe a house out of this. If not, you might live in poverty, and he could take your kid from you. Keep a good head on your shoulders, hon.
Comment by jcarnegi at 01/04/2020 at 15:23 UTC
267 upvotes, 3 direct replies
YTA: I stopped reading at daughter.
Really, that’s the best you could do?
Comment by eksokolova at 01/04/2020 at 14:38 UTC
30 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA. Your husband sounds like he’s having a midlife crisis. Has anything happened recently to cause this? Any illness or accident? How is his work going, any issues with colleagues that could be causing him to seek validation with this new church.
Either way, hang in there.
PS, you’ll always be the true queen!
Comment by jcb42x at 01/04/2020 at 16:09 UTC
42 upvotes, 0 direct replies
YTA. Stop interfering with the most powerful man in England. If you'd given him a son it would be a different story. And let's face it- you're old. Sign the no-fault divorce papers and take his money. He's gonna be old and fat with a stinking leg wound soon anyway.
Comment by The_Manchurian at 01/04/2020 at 20:05 UTC
19 upvotes, 1 direct replies
INFO... you mentioned your "sexual past". Were you a virgin when you married? Had you already been married? And to who?
I can't help wondering why you've only had a daughter... could it be God's judgement for a wicked and sinful past?
Comment by calanthis at 01/04/2020 at 17:26 UTC
16 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I... I really need to start looking at what subreddit I’m in
Comment by bigdon802 at 01/04/2020 at 16:56 UTC*
12 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Clarifying question: is there any chance your husband is riddled with syphilis? We're pretty sure he isn't, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Probably NTA
Comment by [deleted] at 01/04/2020 at 13:38 UTC*
11 upvotes, 1 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by smolbeanlydia at 01/04/2020 at 17:03 UTC
10 upvotes, 2 direct replies
NTA if I had to bet anything he’s quoting Leviticus which says yada yada something about not marrying your brothers wife when he dies because she’ll be infertile yada yada but obviously that’s not true because you were able to have a daughter together. He’s kind of a jerk tbh
Comment by AutoModerator at 01/04/2020 at 12:28 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
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Comment by Wondermax2588 at 01/04/2020 at 14:37 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA. You’ve been more than reasonable and he sounds like a jerk. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about his priorities. Just make sure to keep calm and don’t lose your head so he can’t accuse you of being hysterical or anything like that.
Comment by ajbates11 at 01/04/2020 at 16:57 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
YTA, seems like your a bit iffy on if this marriage is even valid, you already said it involves your sexual past, which means their likely was one. He said he would take care of you if you signed so why not just do it.
PS next time make sure to have a son.
Comment by flamingoinghome at 01/04/2020 at 18:32 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Aye, YTA. Ye claim tae be pious, but what of our king's head, Spanish Kate? Ye wanted tae send it tae yer fool of a husband! Jesus said "turn the other cheek" not "send severed cheeks tae lazy rulers"!
Ah dunno 'bout this other lassie, but I'm sure she and her descendants would NEVER harm an anointed Scottish monarch!
Comment by SweetLikeIcing at 01/04/2020 at 16:49 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA you had me until I realized the name of the sub lmao
Comment by [deleted] at 01/04/2020 at 17:01 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA. Dump him out the window and take all his stuff. This guy sounds like the worst.
Comment by [deleted] at 01/04/2020 at 21:05 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
[I'm assuming this is Catherine of Aragon]
NTA, the Pope granted a dispensation for him to marry you, and you gave him *somebody* to inherit the kingdom. If anything, he should be thanking you for that and for even agreeing to have you in the first place! Don't let him take Britain away from the bosom of Holy Mother Church.
Sidebar: if he does this and is successful, you need to get back to Spain ASAP because he'll be out to kill you.
Comment by la_straniera at 01/04/2020 at 18:01 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA, you should snitch him out to your family, they'll get the pope involved. You need to dump this asshole and get a new husband, maybe a match with closer relative with less heretical tendencies will cure your inability to have a son!
Comment by Kelpie-Cat at 01/04/2020 at 20:01 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA. It's not right for him to be discussing your sexual past with other people. Sounds like there are a lot of red flags in this relationship and he's using his new cult as an excuse to leave you!
Comment by AugustSprite at 02/04/2020 at 02:21 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
INFO The way you're portraying him, sure he looks bad, but I've got a feeling more is going on here. What's with your church? I mean, I'm all good with religion, but the way you talk about it ... let's just say I've known some people that talked about their church community the same as you and it was ... controlling. How is your husband getting along with the church elders? Has something happened? Did they pressure you two to get married?
On another note, how does your family feel about all this? Does your husband get along with them?
I don't know. It just seems a bit weird. Maybe he just wants some space?
Comment by harrywho23 at 02/04/2020 at 10:46 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
YTA. You shouldn't have slept with his older brother and then denied it.
Comment by ghostlykierkegaard at 02/04/2020 at 15:33 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
NTA. you tell him if he thinks for a moment you'll grant him annulment, he needs to just hold up there. there's no no no no way!