Do your boyfriends/husbands call themselves feminists?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/1i9ac5l/do_your_boyfriendshusbands_call_themselves/

created by TeachSolid1893 on 25/01/2025 at 00:20 UTC*

239 upvotes, 36 top-level comments (showing 25)

Mine won’t but he says he agrees that women (and everyone) are entitled to equality socially, politically, and economically. He says he doesn’t want the label but disagrees it’s because he grew up conservative and his family/friends are conservative. This is a problem for me: if you can’t own the label, then are you actually a feminist?

*EDIT: wow thanks everyone for the robust conversation. We spoke more last night and as many commented, my issue is with him not acknowledging *to me* that’s he’s a feminist. I am not asking him to go out and tell people in his life that he’s a feminist. I’m not asking that he announce it to anyone at all. Anyway, when I pressed him about his continued reluctance to acknowledge it to me, he finally said it was because of what the word means to people in his circle (his whole family is conservative/watched Fox News, and he’s active duty military with lots of conservative peers). He said the word brings about images of extreme feminists with extreme views and he’s hesitant to label himself as someone that supports extreme anything. We didn’t get into what makes this category of feminists “extreme”, but I understood his position.

Once we worked through it a little more, he said he agreed he is a feminist.

Thank you everyone for your input. I’m going to parse through these comments more.

Comments

Comment by AutoModerator at 25/01/2025 at 15:15 UTC

1 upvotes, 0 direct replies

From the sidebar: "The purpose of this forum is to provide feminist perspectives on various social issues, as a starting point for further discussions here". All social issues are up for discussion (including politics, religion, games/art/fiction).

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit[1] if you have any questions or concerns.*

1: /message/compose/?to=/r/AskFeminists

Comment by itsbobabitch at 25/01/2025 at 06:06 UTC

211 upvotes, 2 direct replies

Yes my bf calls himself a feminist

Comment by Luuxe_ at 25/01/2025 at 07:47 UTC

167 upvotes, 8 direct replies

Im a man and a feminist and while I make my views known, I don’t go around announcing it every time I enter a room. However, I would say I am a feminist if I was asked.

Comment by undoing_everything at 25/01/2025 at 05:24 UTC

170 upvotes, 12 direct replies

Yep, I’m with you. Why does he not want the “label”?

Comment by JacobStyle at 25/01/2025 at 12:20 UTC

44 upvotes, 2 direct replies

Some of the most egalitarian, kind-hearted people don't bother with the label, and some of the worst predators make a big show of being "feminists." The real questions are, how he treats women he is not attracted to, how he treats intimate partners, whether or not he is capable of taking responsibility when he does something hurtful to someone, how he responds when he doesn't get his way, how respectful he is when people set boundaries, how he votes, how he responds when other men make sexist/bigoted comments, and how he treats people in general when he perceives them as having less power than him. Any one of those things is a bigger indicator.

Comment by Wise-Onion-4972 at 25/01/2025 at 16:45 UTC

8 upvotes, 0 direct replies

My fiance will tell anyone who asks that he is a feminist. He still has blind spots sometimes, and I talk with him on those points with occasional breakthrough moments. But he is super clear and genuine about the major points, and if he hadn't been, I wouldn't have asked him to marry me. I was seriously not going to get married again. There are good people out there...both men and women...and they are as far between as stars in a dark sky. I won't say few, because there are many, but just like stars, it takes a long space of time to actually arrive at them!

Comment by cantantantelope at 25/01/2025 at 03:34 UTC

46 upvotes, 2 direct replies

Actions matter a lot more than certain words. Feminism as a concept has a lot of history much of it loaded and all of it complex. You can go back to the last time only a few days ago we got the version of “can men be feminists” to see that lots of women don’t like men who call Themselves feminists and lots do and lots don’t care.

Are you hung up on that word or his actions

Comment by a_rad_pun at 25/01/2025 at 06:06 UTC

66 upvotes, 6 direct replies

My husband does. And while I agree with the sentiment others have expressed, (it’s more about what you do than what you call yourself) I do think it’s a red flag if someone agrees with the ideas of feminism but refuses to call themself a feminist.

Comment by _Rip_7509 at 25/01/2025 at 05:44 UTC*

28 upvotes, 1 direct replies

It matters more what people do than what they say. Men who call themselves "male feminists" or get on a soapbox about feminism usually end up being frauds like Neil Gaiman. Men who are quieter about it but actually have a track record of doing something to support women/girls/queer people are the ones who deserve our trust.

Edit: Why am I being downvoted for this? It's literally true.

Comment by Manofchalk at 25/01/2025 at 06:41 UTC*

25 upvotes, 1 direct replies

This is a problem for me: if you can’t own the label, then are you actually a feminist?

Scroll back a week or so and you'l find threads arguing that a man self-identifing as feminist is a red flag, or others asking if its ever possible to trust a male feminist because Neil Gaiman and others like him have happened. People in this thread are arguing it.

So like... plenty of reason for men to reject the label or at least not readily apply it to themsleves, even if they literally tick all the boxes. Doing so is socially toxic to both conservative people and to a subset of actual feminists.

That's probably not the case with your boyfriend though, that seems like a simple case of Feminism meaning a lot more or something other than plain gender equality (what you asked about) in his head thanks to his conservative upbringing. Its probably worth asking what exactly he thinks feminism is.

Comment by Powerpuff_God at 25/01/2025 at 07:00 UTC

16 upvotes, 3 direct replies

I'm a man, and there was a brief moment in my teens when I refused to call myself a feminist, while absolutely believing that women deserve equal rights and to be treated with respect. At the time, my perception of modern feminists was primarily influenced by the aggressive, misandrist type who were trying to make me feel like everything wrong with the world was somehow my fault.

I've since learned that they're a tiny minority of all feminists, but they're also the loudest. I have no problem calling myself a feminist now, because I have a better understanding of who feminists are, but it wouldn't surprise me if some other men have not gained that knowledge (though they share some blame in that for not looking into things deeper).

Comment by Amphernee at 25/01/2025 at 09:40 UTC

10 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Actions are important labels are not. Take ten people who call themselves feminists and I guarantee you’ll get ten different definitions. He’s entitled to be hesitant to label himself with a term that is so easily misinterpreted rather than just live his life with the proper attitude and outlook.

Comment by rotatingruhnama at 25/01/2025 at 12:29 UTC

8 upvotes, 0 direct replies

No, he doesn't, and it's not because he's squeamish about women's rights.

Rather, he actively mistrusts men who announce their feminism, because they so often turn out to be creeps (paging Justin Baldoni...).

It's more about actions.

Who does he vote for? What policies does he support? If one of his guy friends says something creepy or inappropriate about women, does he tell him to STFU?

In our home, does he actively work against patriarchal programming and pull his weight? (It's a process but we're getting there.)

Comment by FluffiestCake at 25/01/2025 at 08:48 UTC

15 upvotes, 1 direct replies

Calling yourself a feminist around "conservative" people has consequences.

Saying you believe something in private without actually letting go of your privilege is not a good look.

Having "conservative friends" isn't a good look either.

People can say whatever they want in private, actions and standing behind your words are the only things that matter.

Comment by BeatnikMona at 25/01/2025 at 12:35 UTC*

5 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Yes he does, but he didn’t outright say he was when we met because he wanted me to discover it for myself with his actions and the things he said instead of just giving himself a label. He says some men falsely claim to be feminists for nefarious reasons and doesn’t want to be lumped in with them.

And the man has been a guest speaker at multiple feminist conventions.

Comment by coff33dragon at 25/01/2025 at 08:32 UTC*

6 upvotes, 0 direct replies

My husband doesn't like calling himself a feminist because he thinks if he is one, other people should be able to tell by his words and actions. If other people call him a feminist, then mission accomplished. He's known men who engage in harmful sexist behavior who call themselves feminists, so he doesn't think men "owning the label " of feminist has much value on its own. That being said, if someone calls him a feminist his response is "I'm glad you think so," not "I don't like that label." So it seems like your husband has some hangups around this that are probably rooted in his upbringing, as you suggest.

Edit to add: I like my husband's approach because it maintains accountability, and also because it means that men he talks to who would shut down at the word "feminist" get exposed to feminist ideas and engage with them on the merits.

Comment by ragepanda1960 at 25/01/2025 at 16:51 UTC

8 upvotes, 0 direct replies

If just means gender equality dog. It's just called feminism because that was the name of the gender that desperately needed the equality.

Comment by Rawinza555 at 25/01/2025 at 05:27 UTC

20 upvotes, 2 direct replies

I dont think I ever called myself a feminist. I dont feel like I have to announce myself to do for the cause. I let my action speak for myself.

Personally, if someone needs to say who they are as a person, chances are they aren’t

Comment by Vaulllki at 25/01/2025 at 06:26 UTC

4 upvotes, 0 direct replies

To me a guy not wanting the label would be an orange iffy flag.

Comment by GlencoraPalliser at 25/01/2025 at 06:13 UTC

3 upvotes, 1 direct replies

Yes my BF calls himself a feminist and is a feminist. Of course actions count more than words and someone who is all words and no actions is not a feminist. But equally someone who shies away from the label is probably shying away from the ideology. Men who say they are for equality but don't feel the need for the label of feminism, inevitably also believe that the equality has been achieved and there is no need for actual feminism.

Comment by Logical-Mechanic1 at 25/01/2025 at 05:19 UTC

5 upvotes, 0 direct replies

My boyfriend calls himself a feminist yes and is constantly confirming that through his actions. Your bf being weird about the label is a yellow/red flag to me. Seems like he wants to be able to say "no no i never said i was that" if ever pressed by anyone.