https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1iitulg/my_boyfriend_says_im_privileged/
created by Former_Reputation341 on 06/02/2025 at 04:05 UTC
67 upvotes, 169 top-level comments (showing 25)
(29f) soon to be (30f) with a (46m). Lately my boyfriend keeps reminding me that I'm privileged. I get the sense that he's almost upset over it but I'm not sure. Should I be upset that he tells me this frequently now? I would say I came from a lower middle class family but I have good parents that have helped me get a security job, my lottery apartment, paid for community college and overall they help me when they can. It's not super fancy but I am lucky. On the other hand his parents weren't together and he barely saw them as he was moved from family to family and suffered abuse. We are both security guards working the same job. I try to show him the finer things in life at least with what I have. I guess my perspective and temperament is much different from his since I have my parents to fall back on and their supportive so I never really had to worry so much. I'm turning 30 soon and since around 28 he kept reminding me that I'm almost 30 and it would annoy me. He is trying to say to basically be prepared for the real world when my family is gone. But I can't help but think it's just very negative. I also usually see him all 3 of my off days out of the week every week however there's times where 2 days I may spend time with my family. Which to me I need and he was basically telling me how he "understands" now why it's important. Almost like he was trying to justify it to himself why I may want time with my parents. It is hard for him because the only family he has is his mother who has dementia. Just this last week I spent 2 days with him and told him on the third day I wanted time to myself and he seemed to be upset by it. Honestly even that 1 day to myself isn't enough and then I have to go back to work the next 4 days. I don't know how I should feel anymore.
Comment by NoPussInBoots at 06/02/2025 at 04:20 UTC
100 upvotes, 3 direct replies
What a cloud of negativity, sounds like he’s just constantly raining on you for no reason other than that he’s jealous that you have family that’s still around. It’s terrible that he’s been abused but it’s not fair for him to take his frustrations out on you. Seems like immature behaviour for 46 ngl.
Comment by Select-Ad-9819 at 06/02/2025 at 04:20 UTC
255 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Don’t take this wrong but it’s a reason why he’s 46 and with an almost 30 year old. And I’m saying this as someone who dates older.
He’s acting childish and toxic and sounds like he needs therapy. It’s one thing to call someone privileged but it’s another thing to constantly bring it up.
What you described just sounds like having the privilege of having loving parents and nothing over the top like “daddy’s money bought me a brand new Benz at 16”
I suggest you either have a serious talk with him about this and seeing where it goes or leaving for someone who has some form of maturity
Comment by occasionallystabby at 06/02/2025 at 04:51 UTC
19 upvotes, 1 direct replies
You know you're allowed to break up with people who treat you poorly, right?
You're allowed to have time to yourself. You're allowed to spend time with your family.
This man is toxic AF and should really see a therapist to reconcile his traumatic past rather than trying to make you feel bad about not being abused. It shouldn't be considered a privilege to *not* come from dysfunction.
Please want better for yourself than this.
Comment by pinkpigs44 at 06/02/2025 at 04:37 UTC
16 upvotes, 1 direct replies
He is trying to make you smaller to make himself feel bigger. He's a bully basically and these types of relationships usually only get worse. He thinks you're naive and whether that's true or not he's banking on that being his advantage in taking control of you. This man is almost 50 and you're in the prime of your life, don't let him take that from you
Comment by SnooWords4839 at 06/02/2025 at 04:23 UTC*
44 upvotes, 1 direct replies
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The age gap is a problem here. He doesn't like you have family support, another red flag.
Comment by Beautiful-Ear6964 at 06/02/2025 at 04:22 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
He’s a jerk, plain and simple. Find someone who will build you up, not tear you down.
Comment by Accomplished-Foot695 at 06/02/2025 at 04:22 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Youre already seeing the red flags girl. Deep down you know where the relationship will go. Better to make wise choices now than be hurt n regret later.
Comment by Nedstarkclash at 06/02/2025 at 04:41 UTC
10 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I'm exhausted reading about this dude. Time to move on. He is using guilt to keep you down.
Comment by Ashamed-Ball-4628 at 06/02/2025 at 04:13 UTC
26 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This dude sounds toxic af. Makes sense a dude that old would still try to put you down to make himself seem better than you.
Comment by RoadWarriorMaddMaxx at 06/02/2025 at 04:35 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Resentment and jealousy is going to increase-I suggest you find someone who appreciates you
Comment by myturtledove7 at 06/02/2025 at 04:44 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Dump him. It only gets worse from here. Resentment will grow. He will likely attempt to get one over on you out of jealousy (cheating, abuse etc). Get out before it gets any worse
Comment by Bolf2141 at 06/02/2025 at 04:48 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
The age gap is a little concerning for one, but not necessarily a red flag. The belittling you for having a supportive family is wrong of him though. I’m a big believer in “the blood from the coven is thicker than the blood from the womb” but family should still try to support each other. It sounds like he’s just butt hurt and projecting it onto you in a unhealthy manner. It’s not a total lost cause, but he should get some therapy if he wants this to work.
Comment by Fishtoart at 06/02/2025 at 04:52 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don’t see this relationship going anywhere good, at least for you. That kind of behavior does not improve over time.
Comment by workhop_joe at 06/02/2025 at 04:56 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Ugh. I know we all tell people to break up way to fast on here but you really should leave. It seems he's got internal issues that he needs to work through. If he hasn't already, he may never.
You have so much life ahead of you and you should be with someone that lifts you up and adds to your life. They shouldn't bring you down.
Good luck.
Comment by Improvgal at 06/02/2025 at 04:58 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don’t like this guy one bit. It’s like holding a person’s eye color or height against them. Something you can’t help or change should never be thrown in their face.
Comment by spottzone at 06/02/2025 at 05:03 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Honestly.... he's holding on to trauma and letting that write his story for him. Dude needs help but that help can't be you. It is something only a lot of time and effort put towards working on himself, possibly with a professional to help. What you're going through is not fair to you, he is resentful that you haven't suffered the same life he has. Take a deep consideration especially if you plan on being with or starting a family with him, it won't stop with you and inevitably he will create that suffering for the children because to him, that's how you prove your worth in his world, is by the amount of suffering you've endured.
Comment by GentleComposure at 06/02/2025 at 04:18 UTC
12 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Two things can be true, without ruining the relationship: he had it rough, your life was/is more privileged than his. Still, it is a scale. He isn't Poor Pitiful Pearl, and you are not the Queen of England.
Most importantly, I think he wants some attention on the fact that he didn't get a fair shake. That's totally legit. I'd honor that hole in his heart, and try to fill it up with love whenever possible. AND THEN...he needs to do his part. He needs to be happy for you that your situation is good. He needs to be grateful for the times when he is included and loved. He needs to be reprimanded if he backslides into making you feel guilty for it...that's ridiculous; none of chose our parents.
Lastly, advice I didn't know about 'til my 50s (way too late): you can set a boundary around the time/days off thing, and stick to it. He will recoil at first, but stick to it, and he will get used to it. Need one day a week to yourself? Do it. Tell him it is for your health, and will make you a better girlfriend. Tell him it has nothing to do with him, you've just figured out that it works for you. That's enough. You only get this one life. You need healing days.
Comment by DomesticMongol at 06/02/2025 at 04:44 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Why the fck you are dating a looser 46 trying to pullyou down?
Comment by ceaseless7 at 06/02/2025 at 04:45 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Let him go, he’s like water rubbing a river rock away. He wants you to feel bad for having good parents. He’s got problems. Get someone who is healthier mentally.
Comment by alexromo at 06/02/2025 at 04:48 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Dump him. 🚩
Comment by gulwver at 06/02/2025 at 05:55 UTC
4 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I don’t have a good relationship with my family and don’t have much to fall back on the way my rich friends do and I would never treat any of them like this. He doesn’t like you
Comment by Resident-Gear2309 at 06/02/2025 at 06:36 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Sounds like a wanker
Comment by SilentIndustry8128 at 06/02/2025 at 04:50 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Obviously this man is not mature, and the reason he is dating way above his age is a woman his age won’t have anything to do with him because they are experienced enough to see his red flags coming. I definitely would be running!
Comment by ExtremeJujoo at 06/02/2025 at 04:59 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
He sounds like a bitter dickhead upset with his own lot in life and projecting his own issues/insecurities onto you. He is too old for that kind of immature nonsense. You should rethink this relationship
Comment by steamingpileofbaby at 06/02/2025 at 05:02 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
He's unhappy which is unfortunate but it's not your fault. You should explain this to him and inform him that it's not nice to denigrate you for something that was out of your control.