https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1iik3gm/my_parents_are_letting_my_sisters_abusive_husband/
created by Pretending_at_Life on 05/02/2025 at 20:34 UTC
144 upvotes, 48 top-level comments (showing 25)
I’ve reached out to my parents 3 times in 10 years about their help and support to my sister’s verbally, emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic husband. I have been shamed and have been told I have no compassion, that I need to go back to church, among other things. They feel they are “called” to help him, by God. My sister says she plans on leaving him, supposedly, but feels better knowing he is getting their help in a “safe place”. There is currently a mandated no contact order placed by the court. I just feel like it’s so wrong. I have lost trust and feel betrayed as a daughter by my parents. I can’t go to their home to visit and they think they can fix him. Additionally, I feel it increases the chances she will stay with him later. At this point, I set boundaries that I am not going to participate in a family that supports spousal abusers. I am still in touch with my sister and I doing my best to be there for here during this. They replied to my last letter (I chose for my own sake to not call or meet in person as I have done the last two times) and they chose him. Am I missing something? Am I doing the right thing by setting boundaries with my parents? Is it normal for Christian parents to take their daughter’s abuser in? Just want some other takes. It’s very hard to find info about this topic. And to be honest, it’s messing with my heart and my head. TIA.
Comment by tdcjunkmail at 05/02/2025 at 20:48 UTC
63 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This is not normal.
Comment by Cupsandicequeen at 05/02/2025 at 20:56 UTC
52 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Wow your parents are sick and twisted. This is beyond messed up
Comment by Otherwise_Bar_5069 at 05/02/2025 at 21:04 UTC
27 upvotes, 0 direct replies
What your parents are doing isn't normal but it is normal for it to take a BUNCH of tries to leave an abusive relationship.
Honestly I would just stay away because it sounds super stressful. Let them deal with it.
Comment by GurEnvironmental2318 at 05/02/2025 at 21:07 UTC
26 upvotes, 2 direct replies
That happened to my sister in law the difference his she went to live with her parents. My MIL very religious and that marriage can only be broken by death. This was not the first time previously my home was a shelter for her. This time she committed to not returning. When she went to pick up her and the children’s belongings in the garage her brother stayed in his car. He finally went to see what was taking so long supposedly the estranged spouse was not there. He was hiding in the garage and stabbed her abt 17 times and my BIL and her 8yr old found her in a pool of blood. Luckily she survived. He pled guilty so the family would not have to go through a trial. She remarried and moved out of state. Your parents need their heads examined. And your sister needs therapy. It is not going to get better.
Comment by CatMom8787 at 05/02/2025 at 21:08 UTC
13 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Stick with your boundaries. If your own parents are helping him out AFTER the 2nd DV case, then you don't need people like that in your life. To me, it's pretty much them saying to him it's okay to be abusive to our daughter.We'll still help you.
Comment by Boring_Skill7480 at 05/02/2025 at 21:12 UTC
10 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Does the no contact order mean that your sister has to be no contact with your parents too since he lives with them? If so, it might be a good thing because your sister needs to be no contact with your parents for a while.
Comment by KingsRansom79 at 05/02/2025 at 21:22 UTC
9 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My parents would do this but I promise he’d never make it to his court date.
Comment by wlfwrtr at 05/02/2025 at 21:15 UTC
8 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Are parents talking to sister about him? Their influence may be why she keeps taking him back. A no contact order also applies to that no one can talk to sister on his behalf, if your parents are notify the authorities or better if your sister does, and tell them he is breaking no contact order.
Comment by DVGower at 05/02/2025 at 21:28 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This family wins the dysfunctional award.
Comment by Ok-Analyst-5801 at 05/02/2025 at 21:33 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You're not missing anything. There is no logic or love involved when choosing an abuser over your own child.
Comment by Myay-4111 at 05/02/2025 at 21:23 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Your family is REALLY messed up. OP you have set some boundaries, but now it's time to upgrade them, to protect your own peace. Drop the rope. Stop reaching out. Go full No Contact.
Forgive them, but cut contact. Don't give them the energy of your worry and concern. Don't check in to see what's happening... it's always going to be Same Shit Different Day. If your sister ever reaches out for help? Tell her the price of your help is that SHE doesn't drag your parents back into your peaceful life.
Your sister needs time to deconstruct her abuse and the religious trauma and the family dynamic. That is HER JOURNEY and not yours. Whatever cult indoctrinated your parents? They are breaking a legal order of protection if they give her exhusband information about her. They aren't moral, they aren't hood.. they have an agenda to get your sister to stay with her abuser. Everything they SAY is a lie, their ACTIONS show exactly what their plan is.
Comment by Automatic_Project388 at 05/02/2025 at 21:25 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This MF would be in a swamp somewhere, if I were your dad.
Comment by justagalandabarb at 05/02/2025 at 21:42 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Your instincts are not wrong. This is a really messed up situation. They are not protecting their daughter. They are even harboring her abuser which means she’ll never leave him. You are not crazy. It is your family that is and I think contact is probably a good idea.
Comment by WanderingTaliesin at 05/02/2025 at 21:51 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I almost died because no one would help me except my two best friends and one random Homeschool mom kept me hidden while I got the kids My mother, his mother? The uncles? Mostly they shrugged and warned him to mind his hands and manners No one else It is not normal to protect your child’s abuser It is not normal to protect violent abusers period I hope she finds safety like I did
Comment by Frewtti at 05/02/2025 at 23:50 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This is messed up. Your sister is clearly on that "he isn't really that bad" phase that is so common for dv victims.
Try to help you sister, but don't feel bad about adding distance, they're all messed up.
Comment by HoothootEightiesChic at 06/02/2025 at 01:19 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Take your sister to AL-Anon! Hopefully that will help & fuck your parents!
Comment by Beneficial_Syrup_869 at 05/02/2025 at 21:37 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I had a coworker tell me they went to a Christian college, somebody got knocked up and was murdered by the baby daddy cause he didn’t want to be kicked out of the school for having premarital sex. He’s in prison for life but somehow that’s better than premarital sex. Coworker understood where he was coming from, I do not still. I’d rather live with shame than murder. So, honestly those types of Christians this make sense sadly.
Comment by Early_Clerk7900 at 05/02/2025 at 21:44 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This is inexcusable. Were your parents abusive?
Comment by loons_aloft at 05/02/2025 at 21:47 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It is absolutely normal for a certain brand of Christianity to revere marriage as a covenant between the participants and God, not necessarily between each other. That means that divorce is never on the table, except for infidelity, and even then you better make sure you were emptying his balls enough or it was your fault. Your sister's job is to separate herself enough to be safe, but that she cannot abandon the marriage. Your parents are helping theor daughter's marriage, and therefore honouring God.
Totally on-brand.
Comment by madogvelkor at 05/02/2025 at 21:00 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
If you sister is OK with it, it might be the best way to get him away from her. Abusive relationships can be hard to leave, there are a lot of emotions tangled up in them.
If he wasn't with your parents there is a good chance he'd show up at your sister's door and she'd feel bad and take him back in.
Comment by FiddleStyxxxx at 05/02/2025 at 21:58 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Your parents are also being manipulated by this man, not just your sister. Luckily you are outside of that circle or the manipulation is not working on you.
Stand with your sister and understand that your parents are being used right now. Their beliefs and culture are exactly what perpetuates abuse and you're seeing it live. Their penchant for keeping marriages together and forgiveness are overruling your sister's safety.
Abusers are most likely to kill their victims when being separated and your sister still obviously loves this guy that's been trapping her in an abusive cycle full of hopeful loving periods along with the worst times. Having him at her parents house is a great medium step to get her away from his influence while also making him feel less threatened and likely to lash out at her. She likely feels safest in this scenario for now and makes her feel like she has options and agency instead of being backed into a corner with one way out.
Comment by crazytish at 05/02/2025 at 21:58 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Not normal unless they are planning for him to have an "accident" to end his life.
Comment by AldusPrime at 05/02/2025 at 21:59 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My sister says she plans on leaving him, supposedly, but feels better knowing he is getting their help in a “safe place”.
That's how abused people react. They're the ones getting abused, but they're still worried about the well-being of their abuser.
That's how amazingly manipulative abusive people are.
Your parents are either getting manipulated by him, or they're making an enormous mistake. Good parents would drive away your sister's abuser at every possible opportunity. They would feel called to *protect your sister.*
Comment by K23Meow at 05/02/2025 at 22:00 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Unfortunately people tend to refuse to listen to common sense sometimes. They even double down harder the more you try to get them to see reason. There’s nothing you can do in that situation except tend to your own wellbeing and situation. I’m sorry you’re going thru this.
Comment by mu5tbetheone at 05/02/2025 at 22:02 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It's very strange. I'd be burying the mofo under the patio if he laid a finger on my daughter, but (and I'm not defending them) maybe, they feel having them both in the house they can protect her a little better if they are both under their roof and he won't hurt her. Especially if your sister won't leave him or is afraid to. That is the only thing that would sort of makes any sense.