17/11/24
y'all, i've been feeling like i'm trapped in a small box, rattling inside it if it were possible to rattle in such a confined space. things are so rigid and stifling. i'm attempting to break out in various ways - being more expressive in my journal, drawing more, breaking the norm of what-i've-previously-set-up, messing with the text-box etc. changed the inks in my pens. as always, moved some tarot decks in and out of storage (and put out another batch into the to-go box). the upcoming week i'll drop my longstanding tracker box. it's very general - did i do something physical today, something for my mind, something social etc. can i check off some responsibilities and some hobby engagement? but even this staying-on-top-of the most basic stuff feels like a trap. doesn't help that i have a difficult start of the week tomorrow. three days of various medical stuff, near and far.
there are good things, of course:
i feel weirdly as if i'm regressing. the more i'm trying to make myself do things - obligations, hobbies, projects i'd started and for one reason or another dropped - the more i slide into very childish states and pursuits. (now that i think of it, i used to do this a lot more like 10 years ago. what's the term... autistic age sliding? i can't remember now). and i don't know if this is a protective reaction thing or precisely the way to break out of the present that chafes??
idea: i want more journal entries to be about ideas. i'm tired of Events and Introspecting. i want to examine my understanding of The Nature of Things. like a good conversation about Art or Reality or Magic. maybe tarot could be "the other person" offering counterpoints, or things to bounce ideas off of.
alright, i'm going to hug my teddy bear hand-warmer and read tarot blogs and hope this day turns around. wishing everyone warmth and sunshine.
