i was too embarrassed to mention it, but the other day when o.f. and i finally approached the topic of what comes next, there was a mouse in the apartment. after we'd gone to sleep, i heard the little shit on the counter, turned on my phone flashlight, and watched it jump from the countertop down to the back of the oven. i didn't see anything more of it.

until today, when o.f. returned to make amends. it is as if the mice represent some unwanted presence, some fear, and when she comes, they come, daring me to do something about it.

o.f. and i have returned, by magic, to the ambiguity of before i ever mentioned anything. the answer to the question, "so, what next?" has no answer. she seems readily available to 'date' more seriously. her fears from the other day seem to have subsided. neither of us has been the same since we stopped talking.

but it feels a bit like my absence became an unintentional ultimatum. she sees that we either become something, or dissolve into nothing. she doesn't like the latter option, so she'll go with the former, even if the other day, there were myriad other considerations against that.

that makes it sound much worse than it really is. i don't think she ever opposed the entire ordeal, but she does have plenty of considerations, thoughts to overcome.

now, she wants this to happen, she wants us to be one.

we spoke about my exes for the first time. she has no idea who i've dated in the past, no clue about who i really am, which is interesting. is it that hard to deduce that i have my fair share of experiences? no. saying it aloud, however, and seeing her non-reaction, even her interest, makes me feel better.

there was no conclusion.

we are in each other's arms again, with the bliss of ignoring big questions.