2022-05-04 Quotes for hirelings and porters

Coffee break in the home office. ☕ Did you notice that when you type “coff” into an emoji picker, the two options you get are “coffee” and “coffin”.

I’m here to talk about short quotes I like to add for non-player characters. In particular, I want to get away from lists of adjectives such as these:

• Adiyan, man, pleasant and thoughtless
• Julius, man, dogmatic and truculent
• Jenna, elderly woman, devilish and vulnerable

These are from the Character Sheet Generator when you generate “a bunchof characters” in a format suitable for index cards (Englisch, German).

Character Sheet Generator

Englisch

German

I’ve started using a different list to generate prompts: one list for peaceful people who apply to be porters, torch bearers, and the like.

• I carry torches.
• I have sworn a vow of peace. No fighting!
• I am a member of the porters’ union.
• I carry bags. Bags of silver and gold!
• I have the shakes and can’t fight, but I can carry your shield.
• I’m a shield bearer and I bear your shield, if you give it to me.
• I swore to shed no more blood.
• I used to be an axe murderer but now I’m sorry and I won’t fight no more.
• They won’t let me sing at the local temple so I’m a singing porter, now.
• No fighting. Just carrying.
• I was expulsed from the water bearers guild and am looking for peaceful employment.
• I used to be a sailor but then I got captured and ended up here. I don’t want to fight.
• I have a family to feed and need the coin. No fighting, please.
• The gods live in peace in heaven above and so should we. I won’t fight.
• I’m slow and so I got kicked out of the town guard. I just can’t fight.
• I used to be a fighter by then I got poisoned by a giant spider and nearly died.
• My arm was eaten by a ghoul so I can’t fight but I’ll never leave you behind.
• I’ll carry your spears and your shields, trust me.
• I was a porter on the Lunar Knight expedition.
• I carried the sword of Kind Arthur.
• I can climb, I can swim, I can run.
• Give me a backpack and I’ll carry it.
• Back home they called me Mule. I try to live up to the name.
• The great Rindawan taught me humility at the porters’ guild.
• I was declared unfit to be a sailor and am looking for peaceful landlubber employment.
• I touch no one and no one touches me. I’m a rock!
• The great sages teach detachment. I’m pretty detached.
• I need money for a smoke. Got something you need carried around?
• I am strong. I lift. Do you lift?
• I have run from all my problems in life and I don’t intend to stop.
• Non-violence is the way of the unarmed.
• When the invasion comes, I’ll just move with the flow.
• The first rule of survival is to remain unnoticed.
• The bearing of arms begets violence.
• Having a weapon makes you more likely to use it.
• I don’t carry weapons because I’ve seen too many people stab friends and family.
• The meek shall inherit the earth.
• If you die from sickness or old age, you end up in Hel, not Valhalla. Works for me.
• Better to live long and be poor than to fight and leave a mauled corpse.
• I don’t find and at night I don’t dream. That is my blessing.
• I am actually a wizard! I really am! I just lost my spellbook.

And here’s a similar list for hirelings, men-at-arms, bodyguards, thugs, and so on:

• You have my axe! Except I don’t have one.
• I’ll die for you! Just give me a sword.
• I used to cut lumber but I don’t mind killing people. Give me an axe!
• I’m an axe murderer without an axe. Help!
• I’m a lover *and* a fighter!
• They called me names and I took their names.
• My middle name is Death.
• They called me a killer and I proved them right.
• Give me arms and armour and I’ll defend you to the death.
• Give me a club and I’ll crack some bones for you.
• They called me knuckle head and I knucked their heads!
• Me bash! Bash bash! Kill!
• I lost all my friends and family and have nothing left to live for. I’ll kill for money.
• I need the money and I have a violent temper. We’ll make good friends.
• I used to be in our village militia but then the village was burned down and here I am.
• I pawned my dagger. I’ll give you back your dagger if you lend me one.
• I was part of the nightwatch and I know how to use a cudgel.
• Give me a weapon and I’ll wield it for you.
• I hate all life and will happily kill for you.
• Blood for the blood god!
• I promised Orcus the soul of ten innocent people for bringing back my kid, and I intend to keep the bargain.
• I want to kill my brother but need to get some experience, first. Let’s go!
• I was trained a sword-master in distant lands but my ship sank and I was swept ashore without my blade.
• Set sends me dreams. Dangerous dreams.
• In my dreams I saw Thor’s hammer and I used it to smash my enemies. It was wonderful.
• Pazuzu demands a sacrifice or he’ll take me oldest child. I won’t let that happen.
• Odin sent me.
• I am here to protect you.
• I used to work as a bodyguard for the alderman.
• I need to spend some time away from home.
• My dreams are full of bloodlust and I have decided to see where this takes me.
• My parents kicked me out and I have a lot of anger in me. A lot of anger.
• My father was a carpenter and never got anywhere. I intend to do better.
• I’m from a family of soldiers. My mother made it rich and I intend to do the same.
• My friends tell me that they got all their gold in the dungeon so now I intend to get some for myself.
• I used to be a pirate but then we had a shipwreck and I’m not going back.
• I served in the town guard and then they caught me cheating at the docks and here I am. I can fight!
• I used to be the bodyguard of a tax collector. Of course I can fight.
• I used to be the bodyguard of a mine owner collector. He is no more, sadly.
• I can use a fighting stick. I used to make way for the magistrate.
• I have collected many debts and I’m not afraid to collect some more.
• My boss used to say: first you explain, then you threaten, and only then do you use violence.
• Those who will not listen must feel it. I’m here to support you when they don’t listen.
• There is no problem in the world that cannot be solved by more violence.
• I’m here to stab people.
• Big Boss Garo Baba kicked me out of his bath house. I know how to stab people.
• The elves of the sea picked me up as a kid and taught me the way of the sword.
• Uaaargh. Uuugh. Nuk nuk. Gaaah. Nuk nak nuk nuk. Graaaaa!

Enjoy. 😀

Happy to take more suggestions in the comments or per mail, of course.

​#RPG