I woke this morning ar 0445 due to my dog barking for whatever reason. I grabbed my glasses and took him out. I knew that even though I went to bed at 0100 last night, my sleeping was over. When he was done, I carried him back into my bedroom and placed him on my side of the bed. Then left and closed the door.
In the living room I cracked open a red bull and surfed the web for a bit, but I didn't want to waste the beautiful morning, and remembered I had another
, so around 0530 or so I ate it. I ate a breakfast of two day old spaghetti shortly after (which haunted me?).
I put on a long Youtube video and waited for it to kick in. When it did I killed the TV and sat for a bit, then I felt fatigued and like I should lie down. So I got on the couch. I started to feel very cold. I covered myself with two blankets and then as I lay there it struck me, that as a man I should modify my environment instead of passively laying and feeling cold. So I rose and adjusted the thermostat up by two degrees (again 2?).
I was thinking about this thought that had occured to me about my environment. I got back into my chair and sat. Thinking. My wife got up a little past 0700 and I decided to take a bath. When I designed this house, before I had it built, the design centered on two rooms: the 14x20 foot sewing and craft room, and the master en-suite bathroom with a fireplace and a tub so large it has armrests and can fully submerge me. I never liked baths before this house and this bathtub, but now when I am home it is something I enjoy.
I ran the bath hot. I got in, took off my glasses, closed my eyes for a bit then focused, more or less on a plant my wife had hung over the tub. I struck me that nature is alien. I wondered why I thought this. Mind. My mind was perceiving nature. My body may be a part of nature, but mind is outside, and larger than body. An interesting answer. So what is the goal then of my mind? This once again centered on my role as a man. I think the MDMA puts me on this kind of track. The goal of my mind, as a man, is to create structure around me. For me and my family to inhabit. Strength is that which contributes to structure weakness is its opposite.
I remain in the bath for about an hour. My meditation continues.
When men are mean to others, and most especially their family, it is because the structure they have constructed is too small. The goal is to construct a vast structure. Satisfying the needs of my loved ones. Giving them the room to be themselves, to grow, to disagree with me even, to discuss, to consider. Love.
This is the meaning of the inscription on the temple of Apollo at Delphi: Know Thyself.
To know thyself is to know your goal, your purpose, a true assessment of your mental and physical abilities. To use strategy. Strata - layers - to lay the ground work, to craft a plan for what is needed that sets success at a high likelyhood. To also know, honestly, in depth, your family members. To pierce to the heart of what their needs are, to unlock their happiness. To live for this.
I spanked my youngest daughter once in her life. She was a toddler and had drawn in crayon on the floor of the house we were renting at the time. She remembers it to this day. It made a mark upon her because it was out of character of our relationship to this day. My younger years were mistake strewn and so much learning has happened in the mean time.
My wife and I have raised each other these last over eighteen years. Neither being the person that started. Our love total, our understanding full, we will be entangled till one of us dies. And the one who must survive will carry the structure forward. I know I will likely go first, but I will strive to achieve my goal and mission to have that structure in place till my final breath.
Part way through the above, at around 0900, I was running a low grade fever and threw up. I had my wife bring a box fan out to the living room to cool me down. This passed. I tried to hide the fact that I threw up from my wife, but apparently I failed to clean up the bathroom as well as I had thought. She was concerned for me. I had her sit down and I told her of my insights, gained from the opportunity these chemicals had given me to step outside my own mind, and be free of responsibility for a few hours. She enjoyed the telling and agreed that it was a good experience for me.
I think I'll leave it there.