I am purposefully not replying to cat. I just want to pontificate for a moment.
Modern life has nothing to do with your survival. Nothing we do is satisfying. All filler, no killer. Living safe leaves one hollow. I do not think it would be so stultifying if we were all chasing mammoth with sharpened sticks.
I am numb right now.
Here in less than 2 hours I will likely lose my job of 15 years.
Sociopaths in Houston are playing chess with the lives of families and the economies of communities. In a very real sense I curse these men. I wish them ill. I hope they suffer for what they have done and are doing.
I do not have the faintest idea of what I will do as sole bread winner in my household. I only know that the idea of doing something different gives me a glimmer of hope. My forty three years of life have been a flash in the pan. I have done nothing of note. I know what it feels like to imbibe over 2oz of diphenhydromine in a hotel room paid for in cash. That is over 300 pills for those counting. I know the aftermath of an ambulance ride to the ER to get your stomach pumped (not the same instance) for pills and vodka. I know what it feels like to have your liver hurt to the point you turn yellow.
I know that I do not want to revisit those days. I know that I am not the same person. I do not give currency to toxicity or other buzzwords. I so wish the fucking world would grow a pair. We live in a universe devoid of care. We chose to make this world one which is run by HR. In the guise of properness, while only seeking return on investment. People who whole-heartedly espouse opinions and beliefs that everyone should be equal and safe are tools of this HR structure and are neglecting that no one is equal, and safety is boring.
We are hard wired for a different existence, and this causes us all to feel it. It'll all crash eventually. I believe it already has before. This reset will weed out the weak, and give us all back our meaning.
A lot of people who now think they are weak will be shocked to find out they are not. They are finally free to live as they should. The strength was always there, like dumbo's ability to fly.
Until then, hang in there.